The prostitution of Wayne

So he's staying at Man U.  It was simply just a game of ransom and Wayne won.  Or did he?  Because, in PR terms, it was an expensive mistake.  Huge!  How can you justify the amount of money the guy is going to earn  in a climate where everyone else is feeling the cuts?  Wayne has self harmed.  Unless he proves he's worth it, he is going to be the most hated man on the pitch.  And frankly, is anyone worth that kind of money?  Particularly someone so ugly - and that statement is neither harsh nor irrelevant in this ball game.  Beckham earns a fortune because he's a beautiful player on and off the pitch.  Money and grooming may help Susan Boyle but Wayne is not going to improve with money, grooming or age.   My wonder is whether his now infamous agent, Paul Stretford knows he's about to lose most of his endorsements and is covering his losses with the one deal Wayne can keep.  But big bucks will not make this guy happy and my punt is it won't be long before he's caught with his pants down - and this time he'll be paying for it in more ways than one!

The Wayne In Spain

So Wayne Rooney is leaving Manchester United and no one's quite sure why.  Except for Wayne but he's yet to give his side of the story.  Now I'm not really interested in football but I gather the guy's a genius on the pitch, if somewhat off form of late.  I guess that means that Manchester United's loss is going to be someone else's gain.  Or does it?  Set football aside, he's no Beckham and Coleen is no Posh.  There's something of the Coronation Street about them and unlike the Beckham's, no amount of grooming seems to make them any more appealing.  When Becks allegedly had an affair, it was almost upmarket compared to Wayne's grubby dalliances with hookers young and old.  Somehow that makes me feel that if he follows Beckham's lead and goes to the mooted Real Madrid, that will be the end of the Rooneys as we know them. Wayne might prove himself on the pitch but I just can't see the Spanish falling in love with them, or our interest in this couple continuing across the border. Out of sight will mean out of mind and then what happens to all those endorsements?  The Rooneys should not choose Spain unless they fancy some downtime but somehow I don't think that's part of their game plan.  Least of all Coleen's.  And if Wayne goes and she stays, I'm not sure absence will make the heart grow fonder......

The Xposure Factor

All the controversy surrounding this series of the X-Factor is a fantastic example of how fame deals its hand and any wannabes should take note!  Firstly, every single article written about a contestant, good or bad, is great publicity for the show and only the show.  For the young people concerned whether Katie Waissel who is being dealt the cruellest hand or Cher who is getting a slightly easier ride, not all publicity is good publicity and bad press can be extremely tough to handle. And as for Game over Gamu, it's not exactly been a walk in the park.  This high level of exposure used to take years to attain and therefore allowed plenty of time for talent to be groomed and prepared.  These guys however are being instantly thrown to the wolves so I hope they are getting masses of support from the PR teams behind the scenes.  They will need it.  It's horrible to read vile comments about yourself no matter how long in the tooth you are and these X Factor contestants are just kids.  They now know the price of fame and its a high one.  And this is just the beginning.  For Gamu, fame must have left a very bitter taste.  Let's hope the rest of them have a steely core and that they are judged on talent alone and not on the judgements pronounced in column inches. With apologies for dodgy background colouring - not sure what's happened!

My My My Myleene!

Amanda of Oxford has asked me to explain Myleene Klass's need to make her latest declaration in the Daily Mail.  Amanda thinks it's demeaning and I feel a healthy hint of cynicism in her query.  But Ms Klass is very good at ensuring all forms of trivia keep her in the public eye.  This latest revelation is not quite as good as this one but she's not doing badly if you look at her history.  It's a dangerous game making wicked whispers about supposed stars whilst claiming to be an M&S model of discretion.  Why bother to mention the story in the first place?  Because you need the publicity, obviously.  Myleene is one of those safe presenters who gets jobs because she showered in a white bikini and looked good.  Personally I think she must be as boring as hell which is why she has to make dead end pronouncements as unprovable as these to sex herself up. And she's certainly not going to be bringing down Hollywood with her saved texts. What else do you do if you're probably dull as ditch water but need to publicise your shows?  Myleene knows she's just A.N.Other presenter and unless she makes herself press worthy, she has nothing much else to separate her from the crowd.    Besides, there are only so many ways to skin a bikini.

Chris Cross!

I've never actually got the point of Chris Moyles.  He seems like an angry bugger to me most of the time and I don't get his appeal - he's never made me laugh but then again, I don't listen to his show....probably because he's never made me laugh.  Anyhow, Fame Doctor's tastes aside, he has a following and obviously the BBC think highly of him.  Or do they?  After his rant on Radio 1 yesterday, we now know he hasn't been paid for two months and that doesn't smack of respect.  Today apparently, the glitch has been fixed and put down to a problem with new contracts.  All very odd. But does the star have the right to use his show as a grumbling board?  It seems to have done the trick - a drink with the boss and it's sorted. And look at the coverage. Don't we all just love it when someone publicly falls apart? - think Vanessa Feltz on the first Celebrity Big Brother.  Now Chris claims "the reason I got moody in the first place was that I thought no-one cared and nobody was interested. Now I've got the complete opposite reaction."  How sad is that? Having recently split up with his long-term girlfriend, the guy needed to know he was loved.  Bless!?  But who else could get away with telling the world he's not a morning person and keep their job?  Well I hope his popularity is genuine because that is what will save him.  Otherwise, Chris, read up on Sarah Kennedy and take note.

Groundhog day

So you go away for a week and what happens in the world of celebrity?  Nothing.  Well nothing out of the ordinary that is.  Wayne Rooney has his taste for prostitutes exposed and Coleen suffers - but not so much that she won't take him back. It's Groundhog Day (see earlier blog Crouch is Minted)  Big Brother comes to an end and Chantelle and Preston announce they are back together on the cover of OK! magazine. It's Groundhog Day.  Surely, if it was a relationship made to last, they might have resisted the money and concentrated on sorting themselves out behind the scenes? But no.  Bye Bye Chantelle and Preston - and you seemed so genuine in the BB House. George Michael was back in court for driving under the influence.  It's Groundhog Day - but with a twist.  This time he's been denied his 'Get out of Jail Free' card.  But let's be honest, a celebrity in jail for four weeks is a bit like time in the Big Brother House without the cameras.  And judging by the sort of behaviour that goes on in BB, George may be better off where he is - in solitary confinement.  And then he'll come out with an opportunity for reinvention - think Lindsay Lohan. So yeah, another Groundhog Day.  Kelly Osbourne lost weight.  Groundhog Day.  Daybreak broke with Christine and Adrian and is being critically slammed.  Of course it is. See the criticism thrown at any new high profile show hosted by highly paid celebs. Groundhog Day. Given time, it will slip into a regular pace and no one will take any notice any more, unless Christine marries Frank.  And then it will be here we go again with footballer Groundhog Day.  Is celebrity in a never ending groove as when Everything I Do got stuck at number 1 in the charts for ever?  Is there anyone new and exciting out there that I'm missing?  Where are you?

The Hague Treaty

Any wannabes take note!  Today, if you're in the public eye, you are under 24/7 scrutiny whether politician or television personality, film star or internet phenomenon.  Once upon a time, not so long ago, a rumour might have been ignored in the hope it would eventually tire and go away.  Not anymore.  The internet has changed all that and William Hague has set himself up as a prime example of how.  A rumour about his relationship with his special advisor being somewhat more than special has been dealt with the same immediacy as front page news and in far broader a way than would have been polite.  The man decided better to risk turning a whisper into a headline, has denied it categorically and then taken a sledgehammer to it.  Hague has laid his cards firmly on the table in one fell swoop putting the sympathy card right at the top.  He has made the brave decision that it's not good enough just to deny he ever had sexual relations with that man and has covered every possible angle that might risk evolving.   In laying open his entire marital history like a spatchcock chicken he has left no giblet unturned. He has all but given us dates of his sexual activity.... with Ffion, of course.  What were you thinking?  And who can criticise a man/couple who are suffering the sadness of endless miscarriages?  Hague is hoping no one.  So, let's hope for the sake of any dignity he has left, he is right.  How sad that nothing can ever be private anymore.  Please please oh multimedia....spare us those dates and now you've outed him, let him get on with his job.