Nasir's nadir?

Have you seen these pics?  Clare Nasir apparently papped in her underwear - well, ok, gym wear? Now I ask you, would any woman dare go out for an exercise session looking like that, let alone someone in the public eye?  No, they would not unless they looked like Jennifer Aniston.  Sadly most of us are only able to smell like Jennifer Aniston so Clare's attire is all the more shocking and frankly.... unnecessary.  Unless of course you are being paid a lot of money for some heavily publicised 'before' shots which will help boost the sales of your upcoming fitness dvd.  It has to be the only reason.  Within two months Clare will be looking fabulous - good for her - and loads of women will be paying good money trying to look like her when actually her incentive was being paid very good money to look like her.  Is buying yet another dvd the answer?  No!  If you're thinking about it, put away your purse, pull out your scissors and follow the example of my friend Louise.    Cut out the photos of Clare and stick them on your fridge.  What better incentive to steer clear of the calories?  Then it's just a walk in the park - but keep your clothes on.

Fat is not a funny issue?

Poor Eamonn Holmes. His lawyers have got heavy with the BBC, making them pull his character from The Impressions Show.  It's no longer funny to make fat jibes about the tubby Irishman.  Ooops!  Big fat mistake, Eamonn.  I think the public appreciate someone who can laugh at themselves - check out Ulrika over several series of Shooting Stars.  But take yourself too seriously and we quickly lose sympathy.  When you're paid a big fat fee, can afford to look after yourself properly if carrying a few extra stone was a real issue, we expect you to be able to laugh at the odd jibe - painful though it may be.   Sometimes you have to take it on all your chins and be big about it, Eamonn.  Send in the heavies and your Achilles heel might start to weigh you down.  And we may start to wonder if you're not always the big belly laugh you seem to be.

There's still a lot too Feltz

Her gastric band may have helped her shed 20lbs of ugly fat but Vanessa Feltz  is hardly a stone's throw away from her size zero goal.  Here's someone with either no dress sense or a very flattering mirror, or both.  Even pre-band Vanessa thought she looked good in a mini skirt - scroll down the link if you dare.  And she will flaunt her arms come rain or shine.  Someone get the woman to a stylist!  Surgery schmergery she could look a thousand times better if she dressed to suit her shape let alone her age.  Where is Gok when you need him?  Vanessa, you really don't need to get into a size 0 wedding dress to feel good about yourself.  In fact, let's forget the wedding, shall we, because frankly it's as likely to happen as the size 0.   More can look less Vanessa if you only know how.  Focus on the positives: the calves look great but the thigh really is the limit.  Good luck.  

Celebrity reality check

It's at times like these you realise that celebrities aren't always blessed differently from the rest of us.  Poor Cheryl Cole has malaria which is horrible.  My father contracted malaria on a troop ship to South Africa.  I imagine today's drugs deal with it more effectively but his strain stayed in his body his whole life.  When he and my mother were first married, he had one of his random attacks and she thought he was mucking about (it has to be said he was a bit of a joker!).  She had no idea poor woman. There was her husband acting as if he was freezing to death in bed on a warm summer's day. The shakes are very disturbing.  X-Factor matters little when you're feeling like death so forget your commitments, Cheryl and just commit to getting well.

The curse of the X-Factor has hit Dannii too, whose home delivery turned into a take away as she needed to be swiftly whipped into hospital when complications arose.  Fortunately all turned out for the best and she gave birth to a baby boy.

And the remarkable Jennifer Saunders has kept her battle with breast cancer under wraps until now, nine months later, when she's been given the all clear.  Bravo!

Can't cook, won't cook!

It seems as though The Delicious Miss Dahl is to be dropped after one series.  Well hooray.  If the BBC was trying to reinvent the cookery genre by using someone who couldn't cook, then they succeeded. It was the idea that failed.  I for one was intrigued by how delicious Miss Dahl would be.  I fell for the hype but after just one glance at her knife action, I realised I was watching a fake.  The only thing delicious about the show was the kitchen.  Yes, she was a pretty woman but with eyes bigger than her face and a voice as high pitched as she was tall, she needed to offer up some pretty delicious recipes.  But Miss Dahl quite simperingly couldn't cut the mustard.

The Gods in commissioning made the classic mistake of thinking the public would be happy to sit back and watch someone beautiful cook.  It worked with Nigella, now let's see if we can make it work with Sophie.  But trying to squeeze someone into another person's persona simply doesn't work.  Nigella was an original who has now sadly become a parody of herself.  The BBC went ahead and reinvented the parody. Even Sophie's narrative (after all, she is the granddaughter of a great writer, we should let her write her own scripts) was tasteless and unappealing.

So, now they say they are looking at new projects for the Delicious Miss-take.  Did she tie them into a contract as hard to get out of as an England football manager's?  Nah!  Not even the BBC could be as daft as the FA.