Cheryl's Peril

Oh dear.  The Daily Mail has turned against newly divorced Saint Cheryl.  An offending tweet from her PR company confirming the divorce was apparently the tipping point and suddenly the sympathy vote has switched from sweet, inoffensive, wronged Cheryl to serial shagger Ashley.  What's that all about?  My guess is that Cheryl's PRs have not played ball with the Daily Mail journalists and they have brought all their might to bear to show these twits who's boss.  Offend a Daily Mail journalist at your peril, Cheryl!  

Pond Life

Oh puhleeeese Kylie.  She's given up Botox for Pond's Cold Cream?  As if.  I don't mind her covering up her love of filler - check out that pumped up face in the link, not a natural look, is it? - but don't fool the public into buying a cream that will not do for them what some substance has done to achieve that line free look.  That's cheeky.  Yes, she may have given up Botox but in my opinion, something else has replaced it and it's not Cold Cream.  At £3.99 I guess it's better than claiming it's down to Creme de la Mer and robbing us blind.  Your thoughts appreciated on that face.

Keating's rollercoaster could get worse!

Oh Ronan Keating!  Have you committed the classic crime of the celebrity caught with his pants down?  Have you panicked and dumped Francine Cornell without that final decent text which puts her in the picture?  In trying to resolve things with your wife (fair do's),  have you left Francine in the lurch, surrounded by paparazzi, pestered by the papers, not knowing what the hell to do? And worse, feeling completely abandoned by the man who not so long ago was probably promising her the world?  If you have, I can tell you exactly who Francine is talking to now and it's not just her close friends.  Ring Ring, Ring Ring.  "Max Clifford Associates, can I help you?"  There is nothing more likely to push her to phone Max than knowing you no longer take her calls and didn't even have the decency to wish her a fond farewell.  Silence is not golden for Francine - it is agony and now she'll be feeling she owes you nothing.  If the kiss and tell appears next weekend, then this is exactly how Ronan behaved.  Not the action of a gentleman but I guess we already knew that....didn't we Francine?  You see, Ronan, sometimes you don't say it best when you say nothing at all.

Stone me!

David Walliams has married Dutch model Lara Stone.  Lovely.  Beautiful.  Fabulous.  But how long will it last?  Here is a man who can't stand being on his own, whose Desert Island Disc luxury was a gun so that he could kill himself rather than risk the loneliness of being a castaway.  He has just married a 26 year old super model, pretty much at the beginning of her career who is going places and unless he insists on being constantly by her side, she is going to those places on her own!  According to newspaper reports, Walliams didn't leave her side throughout the entire wedding celebration which probably appeared charming - at the time.  But once the honeymoon is over, charming might become cloying/annoying/suffocating after which, might we see Lara back to her old habit of getting drunk and finding face slapping an amusing pastime?  Look out for photos of Walliams six months maybe a year from now where he claims to have walked into a door!  

Is everybody happy?

So, we have a new government not only in ideology but in style.  It looks like a truly modern way forward and hugely exciting for the country.  Nevertheless, even in this honeymoon stage there are still detractors who believe we've got a raw deal.  Which brings me to Julie Andrews.  What?  I hear you say.  What has Julie got to do with the government?  Well, you are indeed right.  She has nothing to do with the government but she is a perfect example of how you can't please all of the people all of the time.  There has been a lot of controversy over her recent concert at the O2 (see link above).  Many were disappointed that she didn't sing enough, feeling they had been short changed - especially since some had paid in excess of £100.  Well I have been told by several followers of this blog that in fact the show was wonderful, that they went along expecting she wouldn't sing (who didn't know about her failed throat op?) and got more than they bargained for. Besides, it was enough to be in the presence of a legend.  So there you have it.  It's all down to expectation.  If this new modernising government is going to get it right and become legendary, then they need to keep our expectations in check.  It may also be useful for them to remember that "a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down".

Babies for sale

Is a baby still for life or just a photo shoot? In the ever more weird world of reality celebrity it would seem it's the latter - a good move for a pay cheque, the rest is just incidental.  Chanelle  Hayes, yes one of the endless lookalike Chans to come out of the Big Brother house, has done a 'Demi'.  To allow us to share in her joy, she tells Closer magazine that she won't be having sex with Jack Tweed, (another lovely by-product of the Big Brother house), until her baby is born. Apparently it's just not what nice mummies-to-be do when their baby happens to be a by-product of someone else - a footballer.  Surprise!

Next it will be Jordan's turn to plump up her income, provided she gets Reidinated.  And if Reid doesn't come up with the goods, it's mooted she might buy a couple via IVF knowing the financial return is guaranteed - I'm not sure Jordan would risk anything that might leave her out of pocket.  Then hey, what about Kerry Katona?  She must be up for a new one, once she runs out of photo shoot ideas with animals and fish.  

What happens to these offspring?  Will their baby books be made up of press cuttings and print outs of their parents' tweets?  Oh well, at least it will help remind them who mummy and daddy are. I worry about what goes on behind the scenes once the cameras are switched off.  But maybe I'm just getting old?

The Chat Trap

So the very watchable Christine Bleakley has been further forced into the limelight by the departure of Adrian Chilles.  She is currently HOT!  What that means is everyone is desperately trying to find out "What Christine would like to do?"  There will be independent production companies calling her agent, saying precisely that - "What would Christine like to do?" They will be wanting to meet her, anxious to come up with the perfect format - The One that "Christine would like to do".  They will know that the BBC is asking the same question, (I won't say it again, I think you get the gist) desperate to keep Christine happy and safely theirs.  So whoever comes up with WCWLTD, has a good chance of getting a big fat commission.

According to the papers, WCWLTD is to have her own chat show.   Over the years, for some bizarre reason, the chat show is every presenter's dream - even in the knowledge that most fail: see Davina, Sharon Osbourne, the bloke whose name I can't remember but was in a soap, Antony who?  Most presenters believe that they will be the one that cracks it - particularly when everyone is clamouring for them and asking them "What they would like to do?"  To a presenter, a chat show with their name in the title is the thing that truly says "I've arrived!"  But it could also be the very thing that marks their departure.  The end of being HOT!  On The One Show, Christine is popular because she is intelligent, safe, works well alongside other presenters and looks damn good.  But to me she is a perfect co-presenter.  Chat show hosts have to be slightly dangerous, quick witted and greedy.  They need to want to make the show theirs.  Good chat show hosts are rarely good co-hosts.  Christine should be careful.  This next decision is the crucial one because it's the high profile one and everybody will be willing her on......to fail!  I'm not sure the chat show is what Christine should do even if it is WCWLTD.  Think Davina, think Sharon, Christine and tread carefully.

The power of a photo and what to wear to a door opening!

If ever an unpleasant article appeared about one of my clients in a newspaper, or for ease let's just say the Daily Mail (!), the one consolation would be if they'd used a great photo.  People often remember the photo whilst forgetting what was written.  It's why, where possible, celebs today will co-own copyright of their pics with the photographer and control usage.  This can even apply to 'paparazzi' shots where what you believe to have been taken unawares, is actually a pre-arranged set up between photographer and star and they both get to share in the proceeds.  Shocking! But we're all getting a bit wise to those too perfectly posed moments.  Aren't we?

Not so perfectly posed was Cherie Blair's first day at Number 10.  Unforgettable. She opened the door dressed as if to put out the empties only to be confronted by a man with a large floral arrangement and a bank of long lenses.  Cherie was immediately cast as car crash material and remained so her entire time at Number 10.  So in the spirit of today's pre-occupation and for want of a decent tale of celebrity, I thought I'd have a little play at what the First Lady of tomorrow might look like in that defining door opening moment.  

Sarah:  Poor Sarah will probably have packed up all her good stuff ready for the onerous move into another gated community on the edge of obscurity or the edge a nervous breakdown whichever comes first.  Imagine her shock if she's back home again with only her Primark pajamas to hand.  She's definitely all high street our Sarah so that even her best early morning front door gear will be from Marks & Spencer or Tesco Fred & Florence.  Behind the scenes I'd put her as a stripes and plaid girl, up front though, if prepared, she'll be wearing a heart covered cotton nightie with matching robe, belt loosely tied.  She's fond of a good belt.  Hair will be quickly brushed but not quite perfect.  If only she'd known!

SamCam:  Well naturally SamCam is all prepared but still not wanting to be presumptuous.  She has several outfits laid out and pressed.  Boden's have supplied her with a year's worth of nightwear, specially designed, in the hope that she may just dare to take in that first bunch of flowers in person.  Only a few hours' sleep won't drag down our Sam and I'd like to think she'd answer the door looking something like Betty from Mad Men, all sixties negligee, groomed hair, cigarette between perfectly manicured fingers.  But she wont!  She looks too seventies and of course there will be no cigarette.  Hair will be glossy and groomed though without even trying and one of the many Boden brightly coloured floral full length nightdresses will serve her well.

Miriam: Well, frankly Miriam didn't think there was a chance this time but was definitely day dreaming about what she might wear a few years hence.  Having not invested in anything new, her current wardrobe won't let her down. A Zara Home set of grey drawstring cotton shorts and vest topped with their cashmere housecoat will do perfectly.  Her bedhead hair won't let her down either, she'll just look shocked - not in a dazed and confused Cherie way, but more in a way that says she wasn't expecting to find herself there let alone a bank of long lenses. 

Madonna untouched

Is the Daily Mail losing it's sting?  Madonna is queen of the scrawny, veiny arm and for some reason the Mail has decided to publish these photos and make us believe they are airbrush-free. Apparently the fishnet imprint on her waist is the giveaway.  Hello?  Get with your usual programme, Daily Mail or we'll feel you're being airbrushed.  The photos are amazing but I think they are about as untouched as Amanda Holden and Dannii Minogue's foreheads.  I'm loving these celebs who say they have given up botox.  What they mean is they've given up admitting to it.  No one can go from having regular amounts to becoming needle free without their faces starting to look like an ordinance survey map!  Well ok that's an exaggeration but I've seen women get hysterical without their regular fix because wrinkles start appearing where they never knew a B road existed.  According to my sources, once you start it's impossible to give up because the muscles become reliant on being frozen and if you stop, they forget what they're for.  My advice to any celeb nay anyone who's thinking about going down the route of needle and/or knife is keep it to yourself.  Let people wonder.  Of course, if you enter trout pout territory you're not going to leave much to the imagination but keep it real and we'll all be envious.  As to Madonna...I want the number of her photo lab.

Kerry watch

So as predicted Kerry is back out there big time.  Willing to flog anything for coverage and a nice fat pay cheque (although be aware, the pay cheques are getting as thin as the celebs, no one can flash the cash the way they used to).  Now I know that followers of this blog are far too savvy to fall for media manipulation but watch what's happening in OK! magazine.  "Kerry - I'm in love"which turns out to be a puff piece for Peter Andre with whom she now shares an agent (see earlier blog Kerry & Peter). I don't know but isn't the average OK! reader getting wise to this nonsense where coverlines bear no resemblance to content?  And "WORLD EXCLUSIVE!!!!" refers purely to the WORLD of OK!?  It's what all headlines do to a degree to draw in the reader, but when that headline becomes an out and out PR piece let alone a lie, surely it's time readers voted with their purses.   When I was first working in publicity, no one would take a PR puff; you had to work really hard to sell in a story and it had to be a decent one that didn't immediately fall down under scrutiny.  Now, with our 24/7 celebrity obsession and so many media channels desperate to fill space, any story will do.  Surely it's time to put an end to this lazy journalism, especially when it's at our expense?

Through sick and thin?

Am I the only one that thinks being so thin you can read your veins, is an indication of unhappiness?  (see earlier blog Skinny SJP)  Now it's Catherine Zeta Jones' turn. We punish our bodies when we are unhappy and there's nowhere else to express it.  Some get too fat, some get too thin.  Someone needs to listen to Catherine's vein cry for help.  Have you turned a deaf ear Mr Douglas?