The fabulous Baker Boy!

Matt Baker is the ultimate example of how Strictly Come Dancing can propel you upwards in the BBC if you prove to be a popular choice.  About to dance for his life in the Strictly final, he is also to be confirmed as the new presenter of The One Show, replacing the controversial Jason Manford whose tweets proved to be his swan song - must have been a blessing, he was totally out of place.  But what it also proves is the difference between male and female success on television.  If you're male, you have to be squeaky clean - think Phillip Schofield - in order to have a long career.  Once Matt is off Strictly, he will probably settle in to The One Show and the press interest will subside and his career will do the reverse.  For a bloke, lack of press interest is ok.  However, if you're female, forget it.  To be successful on the small screen you have to get publicity all the time!  It's rare for a female presenter to be  allowed a long career without making sure she's constantly in the papers and magazines.  Look at Cheryl and all the female acts on X Factor.  Jordan only exists because of her coverage, likewise Kerry Katona.  Even a safe player like Holly Willoughby has to make controversial statements about her sex life to keep herself interesting.  Either that or flaunt her curves regularly.  The women have to turn up at every award ceremony the men....well, whenever they fancy.  Never mind ageism on the telly, with or without wrinkles, it is definitely different for girls.

What's going on?

Loved Gillian McKeith fainting before Sunday's bush tucker trial.  Give the woman an Oscar.  Anyone with a fear of creepy crawlies who enters this Australian jungle has got to be desperate.  Or deluded.  Or, in Gillian's case, possibly both. There is no other reason for her to be doing I'm A Celebrity than for the money and a career revival.  After all, she's hardly doing a Katie Price and 'facing her fears'.  The nutritionist won't have got top dollar but it will certainly have revived her career - although not in the way she intended.  Gillian will be a must-have on every celebrity panel and game show going.  She has become a laughing stock without having a clue that she's the joke.  What great telly!

Now back to X Factor.  I would really like to know why Simon is so desperately keen on keeping the new Waity Katie (the other one no longer has to wait!).  It can't just be because she gets publicity.  His appeal to the public on her behalf on Saturday's show was out of character. So what has Simon got planned for this woman who on Saturday turned into an elf? And who styled the poor girl?  I know it's become panto but surely making her look like one of Santa's little helpers is taking it too far?  Katie is still there because that's where Simon wants her.  He can't manipulate the public vote but he can manipulate everything else.  I'm absolutely convinced the judges know who is in the bottom two before the sing off starts and which one got the least votes.  If I'm right, then the saving of Katie over Aidan the week before last was assured before Aidan even opened his mouth and gave a wow performance.  In my view, the judges couldn't be seen to be saving this Waity Katie AGAIN so they let it go to deadlock knowing the public had already sealed Aidan's fate on their behalf.    Aidan fans must have believed he was a finalist certainty and were lax in their vote. A total shocker and a reminder that no one is safe. Except for Wagner.  Seriously, Paije over Wagner? Now what's that all about?

Waissel of space

Oh Katie Waissel!  I thought you were so cute on X Factor when you started, felt sorry for you when all the creeps came out of the woodwork selling their stories about you.  But then....quickly came to realise you were more manipulative than all of them put together.  Katie is a dangerous player.  She's a high maintenance diva before she even has the right to say "I'd like a glass of water in my dressing room please"!  Yesterday it was claimed she had yet another meltdown and held up filming of the Christmas single.  If you look back at Katie's history she's constantly having meltdowns. Katie's fall back position when things aren't going her way is to cry, gasp for breath and hope we'll melt.  It makes me do the reverse. How does this bode if she ever becomes a star (by default)?  Nightmare!  If the producers have any sense, they will uphold their claim and take her off the show.  But they won't because she gets too much press.  Maybe the British public will do their job for them this weekend?  

The prostitution of Wayne

So he's staying at Man U.  It was simply just a game of ransom and Wayne won.  Or did he?  Because, in PR terms, it was an expensive mistake.  Huge!  How can you justify the amount of money the guy is going to earn  in a climate where everyone else is feeling the cuts?  Wayne has self harmed.  Unless he proves he's worth it, he is going to be the most hated man on the pitch.  And frankly, is anyone worth that kind of money?  Particularly someone so ugly - and that statement is neither harsh nor irrelevant in this ball game.  Beckham earns a fortune because he's a beautiful player on and off the pitch.  Money and grooming may help Susan Boyle but Wayne is not going to improve with money, grooming or age.   My wonder is whether his now infamous agent, Paul Stretford knows he's about to lose most of his endorsements and is covering his losses with the one deal Wayne can keep.  But big bucks will not make this guy happy and my punt is it won't be long before he's caught with his pants down - and this time he'll be paying for it in more ways than one!

The Wayne In Spain

So Wayne Rooney is leaving Manchester United and no one's quite sure why.  Except for Wayne but he's yet to give his side of the story.  Now I'm not really interested in football but I gather the guy's a genius on the pitch, if somewhat off form of late.  I guess that means that Manchester United's loss is going to be someone else's gain.  Or does it?  Set football aside, he's no Beckham and Coleen is no Posh.  There's something of the Coronation Street about them and unlike the Beckham's, no amount of grooming seems to make them any more appealing.  When Becks allegedly had an affair, it was almost upmarket compared to Wayne's grubby dalliances with hookers young and old.  Somehow that makes me feel that if he follows Beckham's lead and goes to the mooted Real Madrid, that will be the end of the Rooneys as we know them. Wayne might prove himself on the pitch but I just can't see the Spanish falling in love with them, or our interest in this couple continuing across the border. Out of sight will mean out of mind and then what happens to all those endorsements?  The Rooneys should not choose Spain unless they fancy some downtime but somehow I don't think that's part of their game plan.  Least of all Coleen's.  And if Wayne goes and she stays, I'm not sure absence will make the heart grow fonder......

The Xposure Factor

All the controversy surrounding this series of the X-Factor is a fantastic example of how fame deals its hand and any wannabes should take note!  Firstly, every single article written about a contestant, good or bad, is great publicity for the show and only the show.  For the young people concerned whether Katie Waissel who is being dealt the cruellest hand or Cher who is getting a slightly easier ride, not all publicity is good publicity and bad press can be extremely tough to handle. And as for Game over Gamu, it's not exactly been a walk in the park.  This high level of exposure used to take years to attain and therefore allowed plenty of time for talent to be groomed and prepared.  These guys however are being instantly thrown to the wolves so I hope they are getting masses of support from the PR teams behind the scenes.  They will need it.  It's horrible to read vile comments about yourself no matter how long in the tooth you are and these X Factor contestants are just kids.  They now know the price of fame and its a high one.  And this is just the beginning.  For Gamu, fame must have left a very bitter taste.  Let's hope the rest of them have a steely core and that they are judged on talent alone and not on the judgements pronounced in column inches. With apologies for dodgy background colouring - not sure what's happened!

My My My Myleene!

Amanda of Oxford has asked me to explain Myleene Klass's need to make her latest declaration in the Daily Mail.  Amanda thinks it's demeaning and I feel a healthy hint of cynicism in her query.  But Ms Klass is very good at ensuring all forms of trivia keep her in the public eye.  This latest revelation is not quite as good as this one but she's not doing badly if you look at her history.  It's a dangerous game making wicked whispers about supposed stars whilst claiming to be an M&S model of discretion.  Why bother to mention the story in the first place?  Because you need the publicity, obviously.  Myleene is one of those safe presenters who gets jobs because she showered in a white bikini and looked good.  Personally I think she must be as boring as hell which is why she has to make dead end pronouncements as unprovable as these to sex herself up. And she's certainly not going to be bringing down Hollywood with her saved texts. What else do you do if you're probably dull as ditch water but need to publicise your shows?  Myleene knows she's just A.N.Other presenter and unless she makes herself press worthy, she has nothing much else to separate her from the crowd.    Besides, there are only so many ways to skin a bikini.

Chris Cross!

I've never actually got the point of Chris Moyles.  He seems like an angry bugger to me most of the time and I don't get his appeal - he's never made me laugh but then again, I don't listen to his show....probably because he's never made me laugh.  Anyhow, Fame Doctor's tastes aside, he has a following and obviously the BBC think highly of him.  Or do they?  After his rant on Radio 1 yesterday, we now know he hasn't been paid for two months and that doesn't smack of respect.  Today apparently, the glitch has been fixed and put down to a problem with new contracts.  All very odd. But does the star have the right to use his show as a grumbling board?  It seems to have done the trick - a drink with the boss and it's sorted. And look at the coverage. Don't we all just love it when someone publicly falls apart? - think Vanessa Feltz on the first Celebrity Big Brother.  Now Chris claims "the reason I got moody in the first place was that I thought no-one cared and nobody was interested. Now I've got the complete opposite reaction."  How sad is that? Having recently split up with his long-term girlfriend, the guy needed to know he was loved.  Bless!?  But who else could get away with telling the world he's not a morning person and keep their job?  Well I hope his popularity is genuine because that is what will save him.  Otherwise, Chris, read up on Sarah Kennedy and take note.

Groundhog day

So you go away for a week and what happens in the world of celebrity?  Nothing.  Well nothing out of the ordinary that is.  Wayne Rooney has his taste for prostitutes exposed and Coleen suffers - but not so much that she won't take him back. It's Groundhog Day (see earlier blog Crouch is Minted)  Big Brother comes to an end and Chantelle and Preston announce they are back together on the cover of OK! magazine. It's Groundhog Day.  Surely, if it was a relationship made to last, they might have resisted the money and concentrated on sorting themselves out behind the scenes? But no.  Bye Bye Chantelle and Preston - and you seemed so genuine in the BB House. George Michael was back in court for driving under the influence.  It's Groundhog Day - but with a twist.  This time he's been denied his 'Get out of Jail Free' card.  But let's be honest, a celebrity in jail for four weeks is a bit like time in the Big Brother House without the cameras.  And judging by the sort of behaviour that goes on in BB, George may be better off where he is - in solitary confinement.  And then he'll come out with an opportunity for reinvention - think Lindsay Lohan. So yeah, another Groundhog Day.  Kelly Osbourne lost weight.  Groundhog Day.  Daybreak broke with Christine and Adrian and is being critically slammed.  Of course it is. See the criticism thrown at any new high profile show hosted by highly paid celebs. Groundhog Day. Given time, it will slip into a regular pace and no one will take any notice any more, unless Christine marries Frank.  And then it will be here we go again with footballer Groundhog Day.  Is celebrity in a never ending groove as when Everything I Do got stuck at number 1 in the charts for ever?  Is there anyone new and exciting out there that I'm missing?  Where are you?

The Hague Treaty

Any wannabes take note!  Today, if you're in the public eye, you are under 24/7 scrutiny whether politician or television personality, film star or internet phenomenon.  Once upon a time, not so long ago, a rumour might have been ignored in the hope it would eventually tire and go away.  Not anymore.  The internet has changed all that and William Hague has set himself up as a prime example of how.  A rumour about his relationship with his special advisor being somewhat more than special has been dealt with the same immediacy as front page news and in far broader a way than would have been polite.  The man decided better to risk turning a whisper into a headline, has denied it categorically and then taken a sledgehammer to it.  Hague has laid his cards firmly on the table in one fell swoop putting the sympathy card right at the top.  He has made the brave decision that it's not good enough just to deny he ever had sexual relations with that man and has covered every possible angle that might risk evolving.   In laying open his entire marital history like a spatchcock chicken he has left no giblet unturned. He has all but given us dates of his sexual activity.... with Ffion, of course.  What were you thinking?  And who can criticise a man/couple who are suffering the sadness of endless miscarriages?  Hague is hoping no one.  So, let's hope for the sake of any dignity he has left, he is right.  How sad that nothing can ever be private anymore.  Please please oh multimedia....spare us those dates and now you've outed him, let him get on with his job.

Bye Bye Big Brother!

Even the winner of the final official run of Big Brother has decided she's had enough of it.  Josie Gibson has left Ultimate Big Brother saying the place was closing in on her.  She's had it up to here with her new 'celebrity' housemates who have taken up squatters rights in her 'normal' world.  Seriously? Yeah really.  She doesn't consider herself a celebrity (isn't that why they go in there in the first place, for their 15 minutes?) and has got out sharpish before the real celebs (you decide!) made her completely paranoid about her on off BB lover, John James. God help her!  Nothing will be normal for Josie for at least....well the next month or so.  JJ - I'm afraid I'm with Nadia (I love Nadia and her tell it like it is attitude) - will only be interested whilst the cameras are around.  Not that I watched BB before the Ultimate started (bit dull at the moment but should hot up) but it's easy to see what JJ is all about.  Josie should have hung on in there to watch what happens when you fall in love in the house and then out of love as soon as you get out.  Chantelle and Preston are the perfect template.  Bless her, poor Chantelle.  Can't stop crying. Still loves her ex husband and it's fairly clear he still thinks she's...well, sweet but maybe not marriage material.  Preston summed it up when drying the poor girl's tears over the teasing, telling her that for their housemates it's just another story whereas for them it was an actuality.  And therein lies the rub.   Sometimes, when you're in the goldfish bowl of fame, it becomes hard to find what's real and what isn't.  And when you are thrust into the limelight for no particular talent, it becomes even harder.  Like Josie, I'll be glad to see the back of the show that changed celebrity forever.  Let the stardust fall on the talented and let the rest of us live happily ever after reading about their smoke and mirror lives in OK!

Out of the Woods

Good for Elin Nordegren ex wife of Tiger Woods, who has given an elegant and honest interview to People Magazine.  She says it is her first and last and she sounds like a woman of her word, unlike her ex husband. There is always a dilemma as to whether it's a good idea to 'do the interview' and this is a fine example of how to do it and why.  Over this past year, Elin would have been being bombarded with offers asking her to tell her side.  Having seen the divorce settled she has finally done the deed thus putting to bed all the intrigue and after an initial flurry of heightened interest, she will have drawn a line under this affair(s) once and for all.  She can now go back into a degree of anonymity with her head held high and can get on with her life and being a mother if no longer a wife.  Elin will move on from this in a far healthier way than Tiger ever will.  Good for her and yes she has a huge settlement but to quote her, "Money doesn't make you happy. ... But I have to be honest: It is making some things easier. I have the opportunity to be with my children as much as I want."  She is an example to all our Wags.

I'm Done with The One Show

So I finally get to watch the new pairing of Jason Manford and Alex Jones.  Since it's still early days, I'll be gentle......Dull! Dull! Dull!  Yes, they can do the job perfectly adequately but these two are sterile and lacking in chemistry.  Like oil and water, they are working entirely independently of one another with no sense of cohesion.  It's lucky The One Show is bigger than them but how much more enjoyable would it be to watch a pair of presenters who gel?  Sexual chemistry is a rare commodity and Jason and Alex have proved it.  Get down and dirty with one another guys and you might stand a chance of keeping us interested.  However, my hunch is that once Adrian and Christine have their own Daybreak debut scrutinised for a week, all four of these over publicised lacking-in-personalities will be quickly forgotten.

The No Show

The Fame Doctor is blighted.  I have tried to catch the new kids on The One Show but every attempt has been thwarted.  Up at the Edinburgh Fringe, I was actually in my hotel room for their debut, but the super sophisticated screen at "Le Monde" Hotel had trouble with BBC1.  As with the real world, Le Monde is a bit tired and in need of a refurb.  Edinburgh offered more joy.  Nick Mohammed a hilarious charmer with the gift of extraordinary memory, John Bishop self deprecating true Brit wit and Bo Burnham too young, too talented and way too fast for me!  All definitely ones to watch.  Oh and Emo Phillips back at the fringe after a nine year absence is as funny and weird as ever. The Pleasance staging of  Soho Storeys had improved immeasurably since the review in the link, but Fame Doctor agrees that the Russian tailors were outstanding, particularly the handsome dark one!  Who he?  Back in gloomy London ready to catch Monday night's Sky+'d offering of The One Show....still no show.  Sky+ had been overloaded by the autotuned X Factor and too many Location, Location, Locations - just the title occupies 1%.  Anyhow, tonight is the night.  I will watch Alex Jones and Jason Manford by hook or by crook but if anyone has an already formed opinion, it would be good to know.  Subject to technological interference, FD will report back tomorrow. 

Crouch is Minted!

Peter Crouch, the tallest footballer ever, has been caught out with a kiss and tell expose by 'teenage' prostitute Monica Mint.  You couldn't make it up. Poor fiance Abbey Clancy - it was all going so well.  But we already know the score -  afterall Crouch is not the first footballer to fall foul in this way.  Abbey will be devastated.  She will be photographed wearing mega-designer shades to hide her sad, puffy eyes....for about a week.  Then it will all be forgiven if not forgotten and she will rush Crouch to the altar, no doubt paid for by OK! magazine.   We live in a world that pays our celebrities to live happily ever after.  Designer lifestyles are brought on as the substitute for real happiness.  So long as nothing interferes with their ability to dress in the top labels, eat in the best restaurants, stay in the most exclusive hotels and live in marble mansions, our WAGs will put up with any form of foul behaviour and not pull out the red card.  I dread to think of the fallout when their partner's days on the pitch are over and the couples have to face up to the reality of the life they have invested in. Thank God their homes will be big enough for separate quarters.  

Nasir's nadir?

Have you seen these pics?  Clare Nasir apparently papped in her underwear - well, ok, gym wear? Now I ask you, would any woman dare go out for an exercise session looking like that, let alone someone in the public eye?  No, they would not unless they looked like Jennifer Aniston.  Sadly most of us are only able to smell like Jennifer Aniston so Clare's attire is all the more shocking and frankly.... unnecessary.  Unless of course you are being paid a lot of money for some heavily publicised 'before' shots which will help boost the sales of your upcoming fitness dvd.  It has to be the only reason.  Within two months Clare will be looking fabulous - good for her - and loads of women will be paying good money trying to look like her when actually her incentive was being paid very good money to look like her.  Is buying yet another dvd the answer?  No!  If you're thinking about it, put away your purse, pull out your scissors and follow the example of my friend Louise.    Cut out the photos of Clare and stick them on your fridge.  What better incentive to steer clear of the calories?  Then it's just a walk in the park - but keep your clothes on.

Fat is not a funny issue?

Poor Eamonn Holmes. His lawyers have got heavy with the BBC, making them pull his character from The Impressions Show.  It's no longer funny to make fat jibes about the tubby Irishman.  Ooops!  Big fat mistake, Eamonn.  I think the public appreciate someone who can laugh at themselves - check out Ulrika over several series of Shooting Stars.  But take yourself too seriously and we quickly lose sympathy.  When you're paid a big fat fee, can afford to look after yourself properly if carrying a few extra stone was a real issue, we expect you to be able to laugh at the odd jibe - painful though it may be.   Sometimes you have to take it on all your chins and be big about it, Eamonn.  Send in the heavies and your Achilles heel might start to weigh you down.  And we may start to wonder if you're not always the big belly laugh you seem to be.

There's still a lot too Feltz

Her gastric band may have helped her shed 20lbs of ugly fat but Vanessa Feltz  is hardly a stone's throw away from her size zero goal.  Here's someone with either no dress sense or a very flattering mirror, or both.  Even pre-band Vanessa thought she looked good in a mini skirt - scroll down the link if you dare.  And she will flaunt her arms come rain or shine.  Someone get the woman to a stylist!  Surgery schmergery she could look a thousand times better if she dressed to suit her shape let alone her age.  Where is Gok when you need him?  Vanessa, you really don't need to get into a size 0 wedding dress to feel good about yourself.  In fact, let's forget the wedding, shall we, because frankly it's as likely to happen as the size 0.   More can look less Vanessa if you only know how.  Focus on the positives: the calves look great but the thigh really is the limit.  Good luck.  

Celebrity reality check

It's at times like these you realise that celebrities aren't always blessed differently from the rest of us.  Poor Cheryl Cole has malaria which is horrible.  My father contracted malaria on a troop ship to South Africa.  I imagine today's drugs deal with it more effectively but his strain stayed in his body his whole life.  When he and my mother were first married, he had one of his random attacks and she thought he was mucking about (it has to be said he was a bit of a joker!).  She had no idea poor woman. There was her husband acting as if he was freezing to death in bed on a warm summer's day. The shakes are very disturbing.  X-Factor matters little when you're feeling like death so forget your commitments, Cheryl and just commit to getting well.

The curse of the X-Factor has hit Dannii too, whose home delivery turned into a take away as she needed to be swiftly whipped into hospital when complications arose.  Fortunately all turned out for the best and she gave birth to a baby boy.

And the remarkable Jennifer Saunders has kept her battle with breast cancer under wraps until now, nine months later, when she's been given the all clear.  Bravo!

Can't cook, won't cook!

It seems as though The Delicious Miss Dahl is to be dropped after one series.  Well hooray.  If the BBC was trying to reinvent the cookery genre by using someone who couldn't cook, then they succeeded. It was the idea that failed.  I for one was intrigued by how delicious Miss Dahl would be.  I fell for the hype but after just one glance at her knife action, I realised I was watching a fake.  The only thing delicious about the show was the kitchen.  Yes, she was a pretty woman but with eyes bigger than her face and a voice as high pitched as she was tall, she needed to offer up some pretty delicious recipes.  But Miss Dahl quite simperingly couldn't cut the mustard.

The Gods in commissioning made the classic mistake of thinking the public would be happy to sit back and watch someone beautiful cook.  It worked with Nigella, now let's see if we can make it work with Sophie.  But trying to squeeze someone into another person's persona simply doesn't work.  Nigella was an original who has now sadly become a parody of herself.  The BBC went ahead and reinvented the parody. Even Sophie's narrative (after all, she is the granddaughter of a great writer, we should let her write her own scripts) was tasteless and unappealing.

So, now they say they are looking at new projects for the Delicious Miss-take.  Did she tie them into a contract as hard to get out of as an England football manager's?  Nah!  Not even the BBC could be as daft as the FA.

Keeping up with the Joneses

I'm fascinated by the daily appearance of Catherine Zeta Jones in the Mail.  First things first - I love the elegantly tied poop bags.  Genius!  Secondly, these shots are so posed - they are not pap shots.  Thirdly, do the Mail think something's amok in the Douglas-Jones household?  Otherwise, why bother with her?  She's simply not that interesting and nor are her dodgy outfits.

Who's the One?

So the Beeb has forced Christine's hand huh.  What did I tell ya?!  It's interesting to read the comments from readers.  Not one complimentary.  Is she as popular as ITV believe?  It doesn't look like this smug bleating has done her any good other than financially although don't believe the offers quoted - the money isn't around.  Anyhow, good luck Christine with the early mornings and I hope the shiny floor shows included in your new deal are decent ones.

So who's going to get The One Show?  Not Myleene Klass for sure, despite the Mail on Sunday's puff piece.  Did anyone see her when the show first started?  She was a woodentop.  Might they surprise us with someone original who's worth the gig?  It'll be nice to see them go elsewhere than the usual safe suspects.  However....with the co-host being comedian Jason Manford, I imagine they will need a pair of safe hands who knows how to drive this kind of show. And who will get on with Chris Evans on a Friday.  Ooooh.  Tough one.  Any thoughts?

Lorraine vs Christine?

So someone at the BBC has decided they've had enough of Christine Bleakley having the upper hand in negotiations. Christine has been bleating that she just doesn't know which way to turn - to the millions on offer from her current employers or the millions from ITV whose offer must also include working with Adrian Chiles (the man who made her look good in the first place, with whom she now shares an agent, having dumped her previous one by text - nice one Christine!)  Obviously not wishing to be dumped by text and fed up with by being forced to wait on the sidelines by this WAG, the Beeb have brought on their own star player - a certain Lorraine Kelly.  Lorraine is the one that got away - twice!  She survived the death of TV-am and now the cull at GMTV, having miraculously been offered a revamp of her longstanding add on show.  Like Christine, she is a safe, white bread presenter so a clever choice of weapon...... but I don't believe a word of it.  Read the last line on the link in the Daily Mail piece - it's a total giveaway.  Will it put a boot up Christine's bum?  I do hope so.  She's been looking rather smug recently but won't want to risk letting the ball slip through her fingers.  Personally, I can't see her committing to those early hours but the leverage has served her well.  So far.  There's always a tipping point....and now it looks like a 1-1 draw.

She exists!

There you are Francine!  Where have you been hiding?  Ronan Keating's alleged fling has finally shown her face other than the one in Spotlight.   So now it could get interesting.  Was Francine holding out for all Ronan's breathy promises?  Has it just registered that those promises were simply hot air?  Yes, this is the third time I've written about this woman (June 3, May 24), only because I have never seen a high profile star's alleged affair evolve in this low profile way. According to the Mirror Francine's not making any comment.  That's never stopped the press making their own comments and following her doggedly.  But Francine appears to have avoided all the usual pitfalls and held her countenance for an impressive amount of time.  Could this pretty blonde really be the one that got away?  No kiss and sell?  Watch this space.  And then I promise, I'll let her go!

Going underground

Ok so I'm fascinated by this one.  In my earlier post about Ronan Keating (Keating's Rollercoaster could get worse - May 24) I was pretty sure that Francine Cornell, the dancer he was said to be having an affair with, would be selling her story to one of the red tops.  I was convinced she would be being pestered and pursued by paparazzi.  But no.  Nothing.  Not a photo, not a comment, not a peep.  Where has this woman gone?  Has she been paid off?  Has she gone underground? How can everyone have forgotten about her?  This never happens.  Think Rebecca Loos and countless others.  Now I'm not suggesting Francine would be looking to make a career out of her affair but to disappear without a trace and without a hint of interest.  That is an amazing feat.  Or is the best yet to come?  Does anyone know what's happened to Francine the unseen?

Forgive Fergie?

I know I'm a bit slow off the mark on this one.  I've been too hooked on BGT (see last post!).  But Fergie - what to do with her?  She's a Rolls Royce of a car crash and my word, was she driving well over the limit, or what?  Before seeing this footage, I had no sympathy for a woman who came across as a greedy idiot using her royal credentials as a begging bowl.  But the News of the World film reveals a sad soul who needs help least of all for the sake of her two daughters.  She obviously enjoys the good life beyond her means and for that she deserves a reality check.  But then she thought she was a princess only to discover she was worth a mere £15,000 a year.  That's not a settlement, that's an unsettling insult.  If Andrew wants to do the right thing by his ex-wife, who by all accounts he still adores, then he should give her a proper reality cheque, enabling her to straighten herself out and cut her cloth accordingly - think cotton not ermine.  If after that she still gets herself into debt, then she deserves every ounce of scorn poured on her and every scam she will inevitably fall for.

Suffering for their talent?

I am already hooked on Britain's Got Talent.  I hate myself for it.  I used to proudly hate BGT as opposed to myself, but then I missed the Subo moment and despite youtube, I would have liked to have seen it live.  So now I'm signed up fulltime - God Bless Sky+.  I'm not sure whether the Gorgeous Granny will win (Subo didn't).  I have a feeling it will go to Spelbound who are extraordinary.  If that's the case, it will be the healthier outcome because apparently Gorgeous Granny just wants to carry on singing in pubs and clubs.  We should let her - she's no Susan Boyle.  It will be some years before that happens again because Subo took us by surprise and now we're waiting for that surprise. A watch pot never boils.  If Spelbound win, then like last year's winners Diversity they will be allowed to enjoy talent over column inches because not everyone captures the media's imagination in order to warrant a hounding.  Ben MacIntyre in today's Times believes 'today it's hard to stop paying the price of fame'.  That's a myth.  Those who are forever in the media are really few and far between and they court it.  They know that the more coverage, the bigger the offers, the higher the fees and they just can't help themselves.  They get hooked on the fame, the money, the adulation, even the vilification because anything is better than being ignored.  The classic example of this is Katie Price, a woman who doesn't exist without the media.  She may moan, but she won't know what to do once they and we get tired of her (please!),  She doesn't know what to do now, choosing to marry in a rushed, desperate way just to keep her car crash going.  Kerry Katona follows in her wake.  According to MacIntyre, Susan Boyle is suffering for the lack of privacy and for a while that will be true.  But that while will be her choice.  If she really hates it, she can stop recording albums.  She's enough money now for several lifetimes.  She's the one who could go back to the pubs, given some time out of course.  But she won't because she too is hooked.  Don't feel sorry for her.  Don't pity the fact that she has to have guards outside her two up two down.  She's choosing every bit of it.  She dreamed the dream and even though it may throw up the occasional nightmare, my hunch is she has no intention of waking up.

Cheryl's Peril

Oh dear.  The Daily Mail has turned against newly divorced Saint Cheryl.  An offending tweet from her PR company confirming the divorce was apparently the tipping point and suddenly the sympathy vote has switched from sweet, inoffensive, wronged Cheryl to serial shagger Ashley.  What's that all about?  My guess is that Cheryl's PRs have not played ball with the Daily Mail journalists and they have brought all their might to bear to show these twits who's boss.  Offend a Daily Mail journalist at your peril, Cheryl!  

Pond Life

Oh puhleeeese Kylie.  She's given up Botox for Pond's Cold Cream?  As if.  I don't mind her covering up her love of filler - check out that pumped up face in the link, not a natural look, is it? - but don't fool the public into buying a cream that will not do for them what some substance has done to achieve that line free look.  That's cheeky.  Yes, she may have given up Botox but in my opinion, something else has replaced it and it's not Cold Cream.  At £3.99 I guess it's better than claiming it's down to Creme de la Mer and robbing us blind.  Your thoughts appreciated on that face.

Keating's rollercoaster could get worse!

Oh Ronan Keating!  Have you committed the classic crime of the celebrity caught with his pants down?  Have you panicked and dumped Francine Cornell without that final decent text which puts her in the picture?  In trying to resolve things with your wife (fair do's),  have you left Francine in the lurch, surrounded by paparazzi, pestered by the papers, not knowing what the hell to do? And worse, feeling completely abandoned by the man who not so long ago was probably promising her the world?  If you have, I can tell you exactly who Francine is talking to now and it's not just her close friends.  Ring Ring, Ring Ring.  "Max Clifford Associates, can I help you?"  There is nothing more likely to push her to phone Max than knowing you no longer take her calls and didn't even have the decency to wish her a fond farewell.  Silence is not golden for Francine - it is agony and now she'll be feeling she owes you nothing.  If the kiss and tell appears next weekend, then this is exactly how Ronan behaved.  Not the action of a gentleman but I guess we already knew that....didn't we Francine?  You see, Ronan, sometimes you don't say it best when you say nothing at all.

Stone me!

David Walliams has married Dutch model Lara Stone.  Lovely.  Beautiful.  Fabulous.  But how long will it last?  Here is a man who can't stand being on his own, whose Desert Island Disc luxury was a gun so that he could kill himself rather than risk the loneliness of being a castaway.  He has just married a 26 year old super model, pretty much at the beginning of her career who is going places and unless he insists on being constantly by her side, she is going to those places on her own!  According to newspaper reports, Walliams didn't leave her side throughout the entire wedding celebration which probably appeared charming - at the time.  But once the honeymoon is over, charming might become cloying/annoying/suffocating after which, might we see Lara back to her old habit of getting drunk and finding face slapping an amusing pastime?  Look out for photos of Walliams six months maybe a year from now where he claims to have walked into a door!  

Is everybody happy?

So, we have a new government not only in ideology but in style.  It looks like a truly modern way forward and hugely exciting for the country.  Nevertheless, even in this honeymoon stage there are still detractors who believe we've got a raw deal.  Which brings me to Julie Andrews.  What?  I hear you say.  What has Julie got to do with the government?  Well, you are indeed right.  She has nothing to do with the government but she is a perfect example of how you can't please all of the people all of the time.  There has been a lot of controversy over her recent concert at the O2 (see link above).  Many were disappointed that she didn't sing enough, feeling they had been short changed - especially since some had paid in excess of £100.  Well I have been told by several followers of this blog that in fact the show was wonderful, that they went along expecting she wouldn't sing (who didn't know about her failed throat op?) and got more than they bargained for. Besides, it was enough to be in the presence of a legend.  So there you have it.  It's all down to expectation.  If this new modernising government is going to get it right and become legendary, then they need to keep our expectations in check.  It may also be useful for them to remember that "a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down".

Babies for sale

Is a baby still for life or just a photo shoot? In the ever more weird world of reality celebrity it would seem it's the latter - a good move for a pay cheque, the rest is just incidental.  Chanelle  Hayes, yes one of the endless lookalike Chans to come out of the Big Brother house, has done a 'Demi'.  To allow us to share in her joy, she tells Closer magazine that she won't be having sex with Jack Tweed, (another lovely by-product of the Big Brother house), until her baby is born. Apparently it's just not what nice mummies-to-be do when their baby happens to be a by-product of someone else - a footballer.  Surprise!

Next it will be Jordan's turn to plump up her income, provided she gets Reidinated.  And if Reid doesn't come up with the goods, it's mooted she might buy a couple via IVF knowing the financial return is guaranteed - I'm not sure Jordan would risk anything that might leave her out of pocket.  Then hey, what about Kerry Katona?  She must be up for a new one, once she runs out of photo shoot ideas with animals and fish.  

What happens to these offspring?  Will their baby books be made up of press cuttings and print outs of their parents' tweets?  Oh well, at least it will help remind them who mummy and daddy are. I worry about what goes on behind the scenes once the cameras are switched off.  But maybe I'm just getting old?

The Chat Trap

So the very watchable Christine Bleakley has been further forced into the limelight by the departure of Adrian Chilles.  She is currently HOT!  What that means is everyone is desperately trying to find out "What Christine would like to do?"  There will be independent production companies calling her agent, saying precisely that - "What would Christine like to do?" They will be wanting to meet her, anxious to come up with the perfect format - The One that "Christine would like to do".  They will know that the BBC is asking the same question, (I won't say it again, I think you get the gist) desperate to keep Christine happy and safely theirs.  So whoever comes up with WCWLTD, has a good chance of getting a big fat commission.

According to the papers, WCWLTD is to have her own chat show.   Over the years, for some bizarre reason, the chat show is every presenter's dream - even in the knowledge that most fail: see Davina, Sharon Osbourne, the bloke whose name I can't remember but was in a soap, Antony who?  Most presenters believe that they will be the one that cracks it - particularly when everyone is clamouring for them and asking them "What they would like to do?"  To a presenter, a chat show with their name in the title is the thing that truly says "I've arrived!"  But it could also be the very thing that marks their departure.  The end of being HOT!  On The One Show, Christine is popular because she is intelligent, safe, works well alongside other presenters and looks damn good.  But to me she is a perfect co-presenter.  Chat show hosts have to be slightly dangerous, quick witted and greedy.  They need to want to make the show theirs.  Good chat show hosts are rarely good co-hosts.  Christine should be careful.  This next decision is the crucial one because it's the high profile one and everybody will be willing her on......to fail!  I'm not sure the chat show is what Christine should do even if it is WCWLTD.  Think Davina, think Sharon, Christine and tread carefully.

The power of a photo and what to wear to a door opening!

If ever an unpleasant article appeared about one of my clients in a newspaper, or for ease let's just say the Daily Mail (!), the one consolation would be if they'd used a great photo.  People often remember the photo whilst forgetting what was written.  It's why, where possible, celebs today will co-own copyright of their pics with the photographer and control usage.  This can even apply to 'paparazzi' shots where what you believe to have been taken unawares, is actually a pre-arranged set up between photographer and star and they both get to share in the proceeds.  Shocking! But we're all getting a bit wise to those too perfectly posed moments.  Aren't we?

Not so perfectly posed was Cherie Blair's first day at Number 10.  Unforgettable. She opened the door dressed as if to put out the empties only to be confronted by a man with a large floral arrangement and a bank of long lenses.  Cherie was immediately cast as car crash material and remained so her entire time at Number 10.  So in the spirit of today's pre-occupation and for want of a decent tale of celebrity, I thought I'd have a little play at what the First Lady of tomorrow might look like in that defining door opening moment.  

Sarah:  Poor Sarah will probably have packed up all her good stuff ready for the onerous move into another gated community on the edge of obscurity or the edge a nervous breakdown whichever comes first.  Imagine her shock if she's back home again with only her Primark pajamas to hand.  She's definitely all high street our Sarah so that even her best early morning front door gear will be from Marks & Spencer or Tesco Fred & Florence.  Behind the scenes I'd put her as a stripes and plaid girl, up front though, if prepared, she'll be wearing a heart covered cotton nightie with matching robe, belt loosely tied.  She's fond of a good belt.  Hair will be quickly brushed but not quite perfect.  If only she'd known!

SamCam:  Well naturally SamCam is all prepared but still not wanting to be presumptuous.  She has several outfits laid out and pressed.  Boden's have supplied her with a year's worth of nightwear, specially designed, in the hope that she may just dare to take in that first bunch of flowers in person.  Only a few hours' sleep won't drag down our Sam and I'd like to think she'd answer the door looking something like Betty from Mad Men, all sixties negligee, groomed hair, cigarette between perfectly manicured fingers.  But she wont!  She looks too seventies and of course there will be no cigarette.  Hair will be glossy and groomed though without even trying and one of the many Boden brightly coloured floral full length nightdresses will serve her well.

Miriam: Well, frankly Miriam didn't think there was a chance this time but was definitely day dreaming about what she might wear a few years hence.  Having not invested in anything new, her current wardrobe won't let her down. A Zara Home set of grey drawstring cotton shorts and vest topped with their cashmere housecoat will do perfectly.  Her bedhead hair won't let her down either, she'll just look shocked - not in a dazed and confused Cherie way, but more in a way that says she wasn't expecting to find herself there let alone a bank of long lenses. 

Madonna untouched

Is the Daily Mail losing it's sting?  Madonna is queen of the scrawny, veiny arm and for some reason the Mail has decided to publish these photos and make us believe they are airbrush-free. Apparently the fishnet imprint on her waist is the giveaway.  Hello?  Get with your usual programme, Daily Mail or we'll feel you're being airbrushed.  The photos are amazing but I think they are about as untouched as Amanda Holden and Dannii Minogue's foreheads.  I'm loving these celebs who say they have given up botox.  What they mean is they've given up admitting to it.  No one can go from having regular amounts to becoming needle free without their faces starting to look like an ordinance survey map!  Well ok that's an exaggeration but I've seen women get hysterical without their regular fix because wrinkles start appearing where they never knew a B road existed.  According to my sources, once you start it's impossible to give up because the muscles become reliant on being frozen and if you stop, they forget what they're for.  My advice to any celeb nay anyone who's thinking about going down the route of needle and/or knife is keep it to yourself.  Let people wonder.  Of course, if you enter trout pout territory you're not going to leave much to the imagination but keep it real and we'll all be envious.  As to Madonna...I want the number of her photo lab.

Kerry watch

So as predicted Kerry is back out there big time.  Willing to flog anything for coverage and a nice fat pay cheque (although be aware, the pay cheques are getting as thin as the celebs, no one can flash the cash the way they used to).  Now I know that followers of this blog are far too savvy to fall for media manipulation but watch what's happening in OK! magazine.  "Kerry - I'm in love"which turns out to be a puff piece for Peter Andre with whom she now shares an agent (see earlier blog Kerry & Peter). I don't know but isn't the average OK! reader getting wise to this nonsense where coverlines bear no resemblance to content?  And "WORLD EXCLUSIVE!!!!" refers purely to the WORLD of OK!?  It's what all headlines do to a degree to draw in the reader, but when that headline becomes an out and out PR piece let alone a lie, surely it's time readers voted with their purses.   When I was first working in publicity, no one would take a PR puff; you had to work really hard to sell in a story and it had to be a decent one that didn't immediately fall down under scrutiny.  Now, with our 24/7 celebrity obsession and so many media channels desperate to fill space, any story will do.  Surely it's time to put an end to this lazy journalism, especially when it's at our expense?

Through sick and thin?

Am I the only one that thinks being so thin you can read your veins, is an indication of unhappiness?  (see earlier blog Skinny SJP)  Now it's Catherine Zeta Jones' turn. We punish our bodies when we are unhappy and there's nowhere else to express it.  Some get too fat, some get too thin.  Someone needs to listen to Catherine's vein cry for help.  Have you turned a deaf ear Mr Douglas?

Annual leave

Just to let you know that the surgery will be closed for a week until 4 May by which time hopefully a few celebrities will have got themselves into a spot of interesting bother and we won't just be talking politics.  I was delighted to note in this Sunday's News of the World that 'Nasty' Nigel Lythgoe said Simon Cowell wouldn't be marrying for at least two years owing to demands of work.  You read it here first folks (check out The whY factor)!  See you in a week.

Skinny SJP

Sarah Jessica Parker, those arms aren't looking good.  You have all the signs of a gym addict.  It's obvious you are naturally skinny but you're becoming naturally scrawny and there's nothing glamorous about that.

There's always that wonderful moment for us women when we drop a dress size and think, yes, that looks great, keep it up!  But then there's the tipping point when we go beyond looking good to anyone but ourselves.  Women love looking thin - clothes look better when you're thinner - but we need our best friends to tell us when we've lost perspective.  I'm not your best friend SJP but if I was your agent or publicist I'd feel I had the right, let alone the duty, to gently poke those bones and say "You're too thin! EAT SOME CARBS!"  Lay off the gym - go every other day.  Give yourself a break.  You look like you're doing too many weights.  Swim instead and remember, the older you get the more you need flesh on you to plump up those lines.  Don't think you can turn to fillers either - they are no substitute for the real thing.  We can forgive you looking scrawny (it's correctable) but we'll never forgive you if you start looking weird.

If there is any other warning I can offer it's that, scrawny becomes haggard and if you carry on like this, all those old rumours about your personal happiness will start to bubble up again and I for one will be wondering.  No one too gaunt can ever honestly say they are happy with anything other than their wardrobe but even that wardrobe looks like it might let you down soon SJP.    We need you to look good.  You're a fabulous fashion icon but you risk becoming fashion's enemy - a wire hanger.   Don't let us down!

Blood on the GMTV sofa

So Adrian Chiles is the new signing at GMTV.  Looks like many casualties will be queueing up outside the fame doctor's surgery any minute now!  Oh hark!  There was Andrew Castle's knock.  Practise tennis on the Wii Andrew whilst I discuss Adrian first.  Thanks love!

Chiles may have a comfortable cardigan face but apparently it buttons up a difficult bugger with a huge ego who will want to make his mark immediately and won't suffer fools.  By making his mark I mean he'll be keen to show who's boss on that old sofa and no one will be allowed equal billing until they have proved themselves - think Christine Bleakley and remember Myleene "I look inKredibly unKomfortable next to Adrian" Klass, dear follower.  That's if you can remember her on The One Show, she was so quickly consigned to the outtakes bin.

Adrian has been used to throwing his weight around.  My advice to any of the original gang left by the time of his arrival, is stay well clear for a bit. Do not mention the words "Well we usually do it this way." This is not a man to be bothered about endearing himself to anyone.  He will have a lot to prove and will still be feeling undermined by the Chris Evans "don't bother to turn up it's Friday" debacle.

I imagine him doing a lot of shouting and throwing squinty eyed glares in the first few months whilst he metaphorically pees on his territory.  He's not a team player unless he's team captain; the sort of bloke who expects people to join him in the staff canteen but only if invited.  Who will never ask if you mind if he sits with you.  He'll be building his own gang, making GMTVites feel highly privileged if bestowed with his gaze.  I can see it now - visualise with me please dear follower - Emma Crosby, Kate Garraway et al hovering with their trays dripping with coffee, waiting for that split second when he looks up from his Ben Shephard's pie and gives the nod that says "Yes! Be seated."  Oh the relief as they are allowed to share a bit of table space with him and listen to his pearl buttons of wisdom.  He will be the king of the Castle - no Andrew, I didn't say you could come in yet darling! - having eaten everyone else for breakfast.  Not my friend Richard Arnold though.  He wont be anyone's breakfast and is brilliant enough to ignore Adrian's pissy signals and sit with him whether he likes it or not.  Plus he'll have old cardigan mask laughing in no time and we all know that laughter is the best password when you don't know the official one!

Anyhow, bad temper aside, from the front of house point of view, I think Adrian is a genius signing.  I know retro is all the rage but that sofa has looked too Eighties for too long.  Even Emma, the newest kid on the block, makes me think I'm watching repeats of TV-am (1983-1993 for those who no longer recall).  Hopefully Adrian will bring his metrosexual cardigan appeal to the sofa, will be less bouffant than Andrew (yes, that's something that needs to be discussed darling if you've still got your glass propped against my door!) although he does risk the look of permanent boredom which getting up at an ungodly hour won't help.

When I shared the sofa a couple of years ago whilst a judge on Sofa Factor (highly forgettable, I know), Ben Shephard looked bored and exhausted in between takes and didn't bother to engage with anyone on the sofa other than when the camera was rolling. Andrew however was a complete delight (I can hear him jumping up and down outside).  Yes darling, you were totally charming and sure to be missed.  I really liked Kate too - she was chatty and friendly which I wasn't expecting.  Fiona, on the other hand, was only interested in whether I had hair extensions - it's all mine honestly.  Back then there was such a sense of ease about the whole place it made it a very relaxing environment for novices like me.   That ease will disappear with the arrival of Mr Chiles - but maybe that's not a bad thing.  They need to put a rocket up the ratings.

Ok, Andrew, you can come in now.  Oh you haven't sprained your shoulder on that Wii have you?  Sit down and relax whilst I ask the readers whether they will be pleased to see Chiles and if they think it's time to wave goodbye to the old familiar faces? Oh do stop crying, dear.....

The whY Factor

As in why is it that I just don't believe the pairing of Simon Cowell and Mezghan Hussainy? To me, it all seems just a little bit too contrived and perfect. He hits 50 and suddenly after years of being a bachelor boy, stacking up interchangeable trinkets on his arm like a Pandora bracelet, he's now decided he wants a commitment ring! Naturally she of the exotic unspellable name is very beautiful so makes him feel good - tick box. She does his make-up so guaranteed to make him look good - tick box (can't someone please do the man's hair?). And she's not an alpha female so no competition there - tick box. But did you see that kiss on Jay Leno? It spoke volumes. In fact, it didn't speak, it screamed. Uncomfortable and deeply unsexy, it made me cringe with embarassment.

The last time I felt like that about a screen kiss was watching the ITV dating show Mr Right. It was the day of the final show and I was with my client Ulrika Jonsson who was the host. So that Ulrika could be clued up before the live recording, we were being played the moment of truth when the appropriately named Mr Right - Lance Gerrard-Wright - chose his winning lady. It was gripping. Having just done the big build up and let down the first finalist, he walked into the room where the other finalist waited with fraught anticipation. He sat down next to her and announced the good news. She was the winner he grinned, at which point he leaned forward and kissed her in the most clumsy and passionless schoolboy fashion so much so that I burst out laughing - much to Ulrika's disgust. For those of you who were amongst the millions that never tuned in, I should inform you that at this point the winner proved less than delighted, told him that she had been chosen out of necessity rather than desire and was therefore not interested. She walked! The rest of course is history. Lance married the host meaning he may have lost the game but he thought he'd won the lottery!

Anyhow, the point is, that astute winning/losing lady had her every suspicion confirmed simply by the body language of Lance's kiss. Simon Cowell's kiss mirrored it. Of course, it could be passed off as his discomfort at showing intimacy in front of a camera but my feeling is it comes from the same place as Mr Right's - out of necessity rather than desire. Does Mr Cowell feel it's time he proved he can settle down? Has someone advised him that it will do his image good? My prediction is that he will follow in the footsteps of one George Clooney and that this wedding day will never materialise. Either that or, as the date looms, Mr Cowell is going to become ever more difficult and moody as his discomfort bubbles to the surface like an unpronouceable Icelandic volcano. The wedding could be delayed for years so it's lucky Meg's going to be waiting in the first class lounge. And if they do ever walk down the aisle, I'll still be incredulous. Our Simon is obviously a keen builder of empires but Ms Hussainy may just prove to be uncharted territory.

Kerry & Peter

Sophie of Hoxton has asked that I bring Kerry Katona and Peter Andre into my surgery. She doesn't understand the conundrum that is their alleged relationship. Well just today The Star has had to print a retraction stating that they may have over stated the case. That said, their misinterpretation is not without some foundation. Behind the scenes, the first thing to understand is that Kerry has just signed with Peter's agent - the very talented Claire Powell, uber controller of her clients' public profiles. Claire was the agent who turned Jordan into Katie Price. Under Claire, Katie Price became the nation's darling. Now that Katie has left her stable she has returned to her original incarnation of Jordan trotting pretty much single handedly around her own stable and desperately trying to keep hold of the slippery reigns.

By contrast, Peter has remained firmly attached to Claire's lunge line and has come out as Mr Good Guy, the sort of bloke your mother will love - depending on your mother - mine would send him packing! - a genuine good geezer. What better move for the rehabilitation of Kerry to put her together with the Good Guy and let the press guess the rest? The Star did their job but got over excited so got no thanks but at least Kerry is on her way. Watch now how her every move will be covered by the paparazzi. The compliant tabloids will happily print the shots of her kissing children, dolphins and even frogs. She will do endless interviews and clever photo shoots about how she is now clean and determined to re-establish her lost career - if not for her sake then for the sake of her children. Let's not forget the children - in fact let's repeatedly not forget the children! She will parrot every cliche necessary to win back the hearts of her lost fans. If Claire has to put her together with Peter in the future - and let's face it both of them will need the exposure - then she will and it's up to the press how they chose to play along with this game. Because that's what it is even if it is playing with people's lives - not forgetting that these two are willing players.

What's really going on in Peter's mind we will probably never know because I imagine he will stay with Claire for the duration of his career. As to Kerry. Well the test will be how long she can stay on the wagon. She needs the money so she will undoubtedly do exactly as instructed.... for now. The real test for both her and Claire will be what happens if she becomes successful again. She was a coke addict which means she will always have the DNA of an addict. Will she be forever in Claire's debt and stick to the rules? Or will she fall foul of the celebrity disease of blurred perception believing that ultimately her recovery was all of her own making? If so, we will sadly be watching the car crash all over again.

Married to the Minister

Come in girls and if you wouldn't mind lining up appropriately. Sam Cam, you go in the middle, Sarah can you stand to her left and Miriam Clegg, yes Hola! to you too darling, you stand to Sam's right. I think it's appropriate we mirror the line up for tonight's first ever televised leaders' debate. I'm excited. Are you? Of course you're nervous. Totally understandable.

If you don't mind, I'd like to leave policy to the men and discuss your personal contribution to the respective political campaigns, mainly your appearance. Who would like to be discussed first? Ok Miriam, yes, I know you've got a job to go to, so let's start with you then. Well, I have to say I was incredibly impressed by the fact that initially you appeared to take a back seat role. I thought that was rather clever reverse psychology making the other two appear like pliant little lapdogs. The paparazzi shots of you going to work looking sleek, in control and truly independent were a PR's dream. But then you went and blew it by appearing in an organised photocall which took away the mystery. Big mistake. Let's face it, Nick doesn't stand a hope in hell of becoming Prime Minister so why not ensure that your free time is spent with the children. Go out with them and make sure that the paps happen to be around to catch those spontaneous family moments. You could have looked so different Miriam. You could have taken on the mantle of devil may care Spanish woman who we all aspire to. Who put family first, then career and then her husband's career. It would have been groundbreaking. Now you just look like someone not quite sure of her role, putting Sam and Sarah back ahead of the game. Shame. You have the advantage of Spanish blood meaning you have effortless European style. If you'd have only phoned me I would have told you to ignore the carping press's accusations. You were being supportive but in a way that refused to be categorised which was what made you stand out as an individual without having to stand out. No more organised photocalls please. Stick with the paps.

Sorry Sam and Sarah, that's not meant to put down what you're doing. To be frank you don't have the same options available to you as Miriam. There is no doubt you have to be seen trailing your husbands, looking supportive and loving. And you are doing it so well - whilst pregnant too Sam. A real master stroke. I get the feeling you could never look disheveled if you tried. You'd probably look good shopping in Waitrose in your pyjamas. No, please don't even think about it! Sam, you look magnificent - full of optimism for the future which frankly is admirable because if Dave becomes Prime Minister your life is going to be turned on its pretty, perfect shaped head. You might want to take some words of advice from Sarah here. She knows don't you?

Yes, and look what it's done to you. I wish you'd stand up a little straighter, darling, and push those shoulders back. Too many layers. You look all bunched and uncomfortable. Now I know that's probably how you feel but I think you've got to throw Gordon's weight off your shoulders as well as a few of those Michelle Obama style cardigans and wear sleek, fitted dresses. You should be more Jackie O. Cut that hair too. Another thing that weighs you down. Just a few inches off would give you a fresh new look making people believe that you see a fresh new future. Whether that future is in or out of No10 only May 6 will tell.

So, for now girls, let's take a poll. Yes, I think Sam has won today's first debate with a clear vision of her role and a faultless choice in apparel. Thank you for coming and giving us your time. Good luck and I hope you've found this advice helpful.

Celebrity babies

I am so bored with celebrities giving birth and feeling obliged to follow it up with the obligatory book. I do understand the desire to share because when I had my first son ** years ago, I thought that my experience was so dramatic and unusual I wanted to tell the world - a sort of "I suffered, so you don't have to" epiphany. Thank God there was no internet otherwise I'm sure I would have detailed my every scream on every site available - actually, I didn't scream because I was very good at the silent moan in between my paced breathing. Most annoyingly, over the 27 hours of labour (not quite as bad as Nicky Hambleton Jones' 963 - I jest but I guess that's how it felt - I lost at Scrabble because I could only manage such intricate words as "cat" and "no". "Help" would have been a good one but when I asked the God of the Scrabble bag to please let me have a 'p' he misunderstood.

Anyhow, the point is, when I got together with other mums over those endless teas, I realised that, without exception, we all wanted to share our 'unique' experience not just with each other but in the 'definitive' book. We all thought we had a valid story to share with the world. And then we got over it and got on with our post natal lives.

Not so celebrities. Unfortunately, these wunderkind are in a position where they actually can share their 'unique' experience in a book and are paid a lot of money to do so by publishers who believe we must all want to read about women who are obviously far more fascinating than us normal folk at giving birth. Everyone has a baby book from Tess Daly to Denise Van Outen but, gosh, Tess's book didn't sell despite all the publicity given to it courtesy of her husband. What will happen to Denise's? The fact is, celebrity or otherwise, everyone's experience is unique but maybe it's best we all bore our friends and get on with our lives. Like women have for years. Leave the advice to the professionals girls and stick to what you're good at - giving us those essential diet tips!

A new Dawn

Welcome to my surgery Dawn French! Oh dear. Now, let's be honest, this whole break up has got nothing to do with the alleged one night fling with 'the blip' - that's Merri Cheyne to you and me, dear reader. According to both Lenny and the blip, nothing happened other than a long long looonnnng into the night discussion. Haven't you ever had one of those? You know, one of those wonderfully long discussions with someone which continues into their bedroom over a bottle or five of wine and goes on all night but is purely charming and innocent, if not slightly intense - because actually, there's no sexual chemistry. The sort that automatically gets labelled by friends as "Oh yeah! And I'm the Queen of England" or possibly less polite expressions of disbelief.

No Dawn? Oh well. Anyhow, it happened 11 years ago. Get over it! The truth is, if this had been so damaging, you would have ended the marriage way back when, never mind wanting to protect Billie. Because, admit it, Billie has been a great excuse for not doing something far too scary - admitting that your marriage has run out of steam and there's no one to blame but yourselves.

The sort of split that you're having with Lenny looks terribly polite and civilised - apparently you're all on a family holiday together to 'protect Billie'. But this type of break up is normally brought about because no one wants to be the bad one and it screams loud and clear that you haven't had sex for a very long time! Now, I'm making a bold presumption because I have been nowhere near your bedroom but I reckon, Dawn, that your need to boast about fat girls being the best in bed was actually a cry for help. It was shouting "Lenny! Don't you remember how it was? It can be like that again! Honest darling. Let's just light a few candles, drink some wine and we'll get there." I don't think those candles have been lit for a very long time, have they Dawn? Nothing to do with 'the blip'. More to do with the fact that you and Lenny are probably the "best of friends" and...well, best friends don't have sex do they? Am I right? I'll put my money on it.

You've probably got paparazzi hanging around, waiting to see if there is anybody else on the scenes despite your denials. I'm sure there's no one else and in fact my advice to the paps, to avoid wasting time, is to watch how your weight goes. If it drops off but makes you look sad, there's no one but Mr Angst around. If it drops off and you start to glow, get in there paps! There may well be love blossoming. I do hope so Dawn and I hope it comes soon. Because I think you are a fabulous woman and you deserve it.

There's no business quite like it

Friends have been prodding me for months to start a blog, using my years of working with tv personalities as justification for passing judgement on today's celebrities. Never one to be without an opinion, I guess it's probably time I had a go. Besides, whether anyone choses to follow this or not, at least I now have a place to vent my advice to those who will never give me a call. And I'm used to giving out pearls of wisdom that go unheeded anyway.

I guess the first issue has to be celebrity marriages. So many are falling apart right now, I'd love to have a few of the victims on my couch and ask them what the hell is going on. I fell in love with Sandra Bullock watching her at the Oscars, thinking now that's a real woman. Funny, clever, talented, beautiful etc etc. What a lucky husband...and then, oh my God, suddenly a tattooed thing appears on the scene and Sandra's perfect life falls apart at the drop of an Oscar.

Is the man blind? Why does that happen? When you have everything, why is that never enough? This is what my blog intends to be about. What is celebrity and why do we aspire to something that ultimately is so destructive? What really goes on behind the scenes? I've been there, watching people self-destruct, behaving no different from any drug addict or alcoholic - which of course they can be too. Fame is a dangerous game. Now I don't want this to become a polemic and I'd like it to be a fun read but this is my first attempt, so bear with me. Anyway, that's all for tonight. I'll gather my thoughts for my first patient tomorrow.