Annual leave

Just to let you know that the surgery will be closed for a week until 4 May by which time hopefully a few celebrities will have got themselves into a spot of interesting bother and we won't just be talking politics.  I was delighted to note in this Sunday's News of the World that 'Nasty' Nigel Lythgoe said Simon Cowell wouldn't be marrying for at least two years owing to demands of work.  You read it here first folks (check out The whY factor)!  See you in a week.

Skinny SJP

Sarah Jessica Parker, those arms aren't looking good.  You have all the signs of a gym addict.  It's obvious you are naturally skinny but you're becoming naturally scrawny and there's nothing glamorous about that.

There's always that wonderful moment for us women when we drop a dress size and think, yes, that looks great, keep it up!  But then there's the tipping point when we go beyond looking good to anyone but ourselves.  Women love looking thin - clothes look better when you're thinner - but we need our best friends to tell us when we've lost perspective.  I'm not your best friend SJP but if I was your agent or publicist I'd feel I had the right, let alone the duty, to gently poke those bones and say "You're too thin! EAT SOME CARBS!"  Lay off the gym - go every other day.  Give yourself a break.  You look like you're doing too many weights.  Swim instead and remember, the older you get the more you need flesh on you to plump up those lines.  Don't think you can turn to fillers either - they are no substitute for the real thing.  We can forgive you looking scrawny (it's correctable) but we'll never forgive you if you start looking weird.

If there is any other warning I can offer it's that, scrawny becomes haggard and if you carry on like this, all those old rumours about your personal happiness will start to bubble up again and I for one will be wondering.  No one too gaunt can ever honestly say they are happy with anything other than their wardrobe but even that wardrobe looks like it might let you down soon SJP.    We need you to look good.  You're a fabulous fashion icon but you risk becoming fashion's enemy - a wire hanger.   Don't let us down!

Blood on the GMTV sofa

So Adrian Chiles is the new signing at GMTV.  Looks like many casualties will be queueing up outside the fame doctor's surgery any minute now!  Oh hark!  There was Andrew Castle's knock.  Practise tennis on the Wii Andrew whilst I discuss Adrian first.  Thanks love!

Chiles may have a comfortable cardigan face but apparently it buttons up a difficult bugger with a huge ego who will want to make his mark immediately and won't suffer fools.  By making his mark I mean he'll be keen to show who's boss on that old sofa and no one will be allowed equal billing until they have proved themselves - think Christine Bleakley and remember Myleene "I look inKredibly unKomfortable next to Adrian" Klass, dear follower.  That's if you can remember her on The One Show, she was so quickly consigned to the outtakes bin.

Adrian has been used to throwing his weight around.  My advice to any of the original gang left by the time of his arrival, is stay well clear for a bit. Do not mention the words "Well we usually do it this way." This is not a man to be bothered about endearing himself to anyone.  He will have a lot to prove and will still be feeling undermined by the Chris Evans "don't bother to turn up it's Friday" debacle.

I imagine him doing a lot of shouting and throwing squinty eyed glares in the first few months whilst he metaphorically pees on his territory.  He's not a team player unless he's team captain; the sort of bloke who expects people to join him in the staff canteen but only if invited.  Who will never ask if you mind if he sits with you.  He'll be building his own gang, making GMTVites feel highly privileged if bestowed with his gaze.  I can see it now - visualise with me please dear follower - Emma Crosby, Kate Garraway et al hovering with their trays dripping with coffee, waiting for that split second when he looks up from his Ben Shephard's pie and gives the nod that says "Yes! Be seated."  Oh the relief as they are allowed to share a bit of table space with him and listen to his pearl buttons of wisdom.  He will be the king of the Castle - no Andrew, I didn't say you could come in yet darling! - having eaten everyone else for breakfast.  Not my friend Richard Arnold though.  He wont be anyone's breakfast and is brilliant enough to ignore Adrian's pissy signals and sit with him whether he likes it or not.  Plus he'll have old cardigan mask laughing in no time and we all know that laughter is the best password when you don't know the official one!

Anyhow, bad temper aside, from the front of house point of view, I think Adrian is a genius signing.  I know retro is all the rage but that sofa has looked too Eighties for too long.  Even Emma, the newest kid on the block, makes me think I'm watching repeats of TV-am (1983-1993 for those who no longer recall).  Hopefully Adrian will bring his metrosexual cardigan appeal to the sofa, will be less bouffant than Andrew (yes, that's something that needs to be discussed darling if you've still got your glass propped against my door!) although he does risk the look of permanent boredom which getting up at an ungodly hour won't help.

When I shared the sofa a couple of years ago whilst a judge on Sofa Factor (highly forgettable, I know), Ben Shephard looked bored and exhausted in between takes and didn't bother to engage with anyone on the sofa other than when the camera was rolling. Andrew however was a complete delight (I can hear him jumping up and down outside).  Yes darling, you were totally charming and sure to be missed.  I really liked Kate too - she was chatty and friendly which I wasn't expecting.  Fiona, on the other hand, was only interested in whether I had hair extensions - it's all mine honestly.  Back then there was such a sense of ease about the whole place it made it a very relaxing environment for novices like me.   That ease will disappear with the arrival of Mr Chiles - but maybe that's not a bad thing.  They need to put a rocket up the ratings.

Ok, Andrew, you can come in now.  Oh you haven't sprained your shoulder on that Wii have you?  Sit down and relax whilst I ask the readers whether they will be pleased to see Chiles and if they think it's time to wave goodbye to the old familiar faces? Oh do stop crying, dear.....

The whY Factor

As in why is it that I just don't believe the pairing of Simon Cowell and Mezghan Hussainy? To me, it all seems just a little bit too contrived and perfect. He hits 50 and suddenly after years of being a bachelor boy, stacking up interchangeable trinkets on his arm like a Pandora bracelet, he's now decided he wants a commitment ring! Naturally she of the exotic unspellable name is very beautiful so makes him feel good - tick box. She does his make-up so guaranteed to make him look good - tick box (can't someone please do the man's hair?). And she's not an alpha female so no competition there - tick box. But did you see that kiss on Jay Leno? It spoke volumes. In fact, it didn't speak, it screamed. Uncomfortable and deeply unsexy, it made me cringe with embarassment.

The last time I felt like that about a screen kiss was watching the ITV dating show Mr Right. It was the day of the final show and I was with my client Ulrika Jonsson who was the host. So that Ulrika could be clued up before the live recording, we were being played the moment of truth when the appropriately named Mr Right - Lance Gerrard-Wright - chose his winning lady. It was gripping. Having just done the big build up and let down the first finalist, he walked into the room where the other finalist waited with fraught anticipation. He sat down next to her and announced the good news. She was the winner he grinned, at which point he leaned forward and kissed her in the most clumsy and passionless schoolboy fashion so much so that I burst out laughing - much to Ulrika's disgust. For those of you who were amongst the millions that never tuned in, I should inform you that at this point the winner proved less than delighted, told him that she had been chosen out of necessity rather than desire and was therefore not interested. She walked! The rest of course is history. Lance married the host meaning he may have lost the game but he thought he'd won the lottery!

Anyhow, the point is, that astute winning/losing lady had her every suspicion confirmed simply by the body language of Lance's kiss. Simon Cowell's kiss mirrored it. Of course, it could be passed off as his discomfort at showing intimacy in front of a camera but my feeling is it comes from the same place as Mr Right's - out of necessity rather than desire. Does Mr Cowell feel it's time he proved he can settle down? Has someone advised him that it will do his image good? My prediction is that he will follow in the footsteps of one George Clooney and that this wedding day will never materialise. Either that or, as the date looms, Mr Cowell is going to become ever more difficult and moody as his discomfort bubbles to the surface like an unpronouceable Icelandic volcano. The wedding could be delayed for years so it's lucky Meg's going to be waiting in the first class lounge. And if they do ever walk down the aisle, I'll still be incredulous. Our Simon is obviously a keen builder of empires but Ms Hussainy may just prove to be uncharted territory.

Kerry & Peter

Sophie of Hoxton has asked that I bring Kerry Katona and Peter Andre into my surgery. She doesn't understand the conundrum that is their alleged relationship. Well just today The Star has had to print a retraction stating that they may have over stated the case. That said, their misinterpretation is not without some foundation. Behind the scenes, the first thing to understand is that Kerry has just signed with Peter's agent - the very talented Claire Powell, uber controller of her clients' public profiles. Claire was the agent who turned Jordan into Katie Price. Under Claire, Katie Price became the nation's darling. Now that Katie has left her stable she has returned to her original incarnation of Jordan trotting pretty much single handedly around her own stable and desperately trying to keep hold of the slippery reigns.

By contrast, Peter has remained firmly attached to Claire's lunge line and has come out as Mr Good Guy, the sort of bloke your mother will love - depending on your mother - mine would send him packing! - a genuine good geezer. What better move for the rehabilitation of Kerry to put her together with the Good Guy and let the press guess the rest? The Star did their job but got over excited so got no thanks but at least Kerry is on her way. Watch now how her every move will be covered by the paparazzi. The compliant tabloids will happily print the shots of her kissing children, dolphins and even frogs. She will do endless interviews and clever photo shoots about how she is now clean and determined to re-establish her lost career - if not for her sake then for the sake of her children. Let's not forget the children - in fact let's repeatedly not forget the children! She will parrot every cliche necessary to win back the hearts of her lost fans. If Claire has to put her together with Peter in the future - and let's face it both of them will need the exposure - then she will and it's up to the press how they chose to play along with this game. Because that's what it is even if it is playing with people's lives - not forgetting that these two are willing players.

What's really going on in Peter's mind we will probably never know because I imagine he will stay with Claire for the duration of his career. As to Kerry. Well the test will be how long she can stay on the wagon. She needs the money so she will undoubtedly do exactly as instructed.... for now. The real test for both her and Claire will be what happens if she becomes successful again. She was a coke addict which means she will always have the DNA of an addict. Will she be forever in Claire's debt and stick to the rules? Or will she fall foul of the celebrity disease of blurred perception believing that ultimately her recovery was all of her own making? If so, we will sadly be watching the car crash all over again.

Married to the Minister

Come in girls and if you wouldn't mind lining up appropriately. Sam Cam, you go in the middle, Sarah can you stand to her left and Miriam Clegg, yes Hola! to you too darling, you stand to Sam's right. I think it's appropriate we mirror the line up for tonight's first ever televised leaders' debate. I'm excited. Are you? Of course you're nervous. Totally understandable.

If you don't mind, I'd like to leave policy to the men and discuss your personal contribution to the respective political campaigns, mainly your appearance. Who would like to be discussed first? Ok Miriam, yes, I know you've got a job to go to, so let's start with you then. Well, I have to say I was incredibly impressed by the fact that initially you appeared to take a back seat role. I thought that was rather clever reverse psychology making the other two appear like pliant little lapdogs. The paparazzi shots of you going to work looking sleek, in control and truly independent were a PR's dream. But then you went and blew it by appearing in an organised photocall which took away the mystery. Big mistake. Let's face it, Nick doesn't stand a hope in hell of becoming Prime Minister so why not ensure that your free time is spent with the children. Go out with them and make sure that the paps happen to be around to catch those spontaneous family moments. You could have looked so different Miriam. You could have taken on the mantle of devil may care Spanish woman who we all aspire to. Who put family first, then career and then her husband's career. It would have been groundbreaking. Now you just look like someone not quite sure of her role, putting Sam and Sarah back ahead of the game. Shame. You have the advantage of Spanish blood meaning you have effortless European style. If you'd have only phoned me I would have told you to ignore the carping press's accusations. You were being supportive but in a way that refused to be categorised which was what made you stand out as an individual without having to stand out. No more organised photocalls please. Stick with the paps.

Sorry Sam and Sarah, that's not meant to put down what you're doing. To be frank you don't have the same options available to you as Miriam. There is no doubt you have to be seen trailing your husbands, looking supportive and loving. And you are doing it so well - whilst pregnant too Sam. A real master stroke. I get the feeling you could never look disheveled if you tried. You'd probably look good shopping in Waitrose in your pyjamas. No, please don't even think about it! Sam, you look magnificent - full of optimism for the future which frankly is admirable because if Dave becomes Prime Minister your life is going to be turned on its pretty, perfect shaped head. You might want to take some words of advice from Sarah here. She knows don't you?

Yes, and look what it's done to you. I wish you'd stand up a little straighter, darling, and push those shoulders back. Too many layers. You look all bunched and uncomfortable. Now I know that's probably how you feel but I think you've got to throw Gordon's weight off your shoulders as well as a few of those Michelle Obama style cardigans and wear sleek, fitted dresses. You should be more Jackie O. Cut that hair too. Another thing that weighs you down. Just a few inches off would give you a fresh new look making people believe that you see a fresh new future. Whether that future is in or out of No10 only May 6 will tell.

So, for now girls, let's take a poll. Yes, I think Sam has won today's first debate with a clear vision of her role and a faultless choice in apparel. Thank you for coming and giving us your time. Good luck and I hope you've found this advice helpful.

Celebrity babies

I am so bored with celebrities giving birth and feeling obliged to follow it up with the obligatory book. I do understand the desire to share because when I had my first son ** years ago, I thought that my experience was so dramatic and unusual I wanted to tell the world - a sort of "I suffered, so you don't have to" epiphany. Thank God there was no internet otherwise I'm sure I would have detailed my every scream on every site available - actually, I didn't scream because I was very good at the silent moan in between my paced breathing. Most annoyingly, over the 27 hours of labour (not quite as bad as Nicky Hambleton Jones' 963 - I jest but I guess that's how it felt - I lost at Scrabble because I could only manage such intricate words as "cat" and "no". "Help" would have been a good one but when I asked the God of the Scrabble bag to please let me have a 'p' he misunderstood.

Anyhow, the point is, when I got together with other mums over those endless teas, I realised that, without exception, we all wanted to share our 'unique' experience not just with each other but in the 'definitive' book. We all thought we had a valid story to share with the world. And then we got over it and got on with our post natal lives.

Not so celebrities. Unfortunately, these wunderkind are in a position where they actually can share their 'unique' experience in a book and are paid a lot of money to do so by publishers who believe we must all want to read about women who are obviously far more fascinating than us normal folk at giving birth. Everyone has a baby book from Tess Daly to Denise Van Outen but, gosh, Tess's book didn't sell despite all the publicity given to it courtesy of her husband. What will happen to Denise's? The fact is, celebrity or otherwise, everyone's experience is unique but maybe it's best we all bore our friends and get on with our lives. Like women have for years. Leave the advice to the professionals girls and stick to what you're good at - giving us those essential diet tips!

A new Dawn

Welcome to my surgery Dawn French! Oh dear. Now, let's be honest, this whole break up has got nothing to do with the alleged one night fling with 'the blip' - that's Merri Cheyne to you and me, dear reader. According to both Lenny and the blip, nothing happened other than a long long looonnnng into the night discussion. Haven't you ever had one of those? You know, one of those wonderfully long discussions with someone which continues into their bedroom over a bottle or five of wine and goes on all night but is purely charming and innocent, if not slightly intense - because actually, there's no sexual chemistry. The sort that automatically gets labelled by friends as "Oh yeah! And I'm the Queen of England" or possibly less polite expressions of disbelief.

No Dawn? Oh well. Anyhow, it happened 11 years ago. Get over it! The truth is, if this had been so damaging, you would have ended the marriage way back when, never mind wanting to protect Billie. Because, admit it, Billie has been a great excuse for not doing something far too scary - admitting that your marriage has run out of steam and there's no one to blame but yourselves.

The sort of split that you're having with Lenny looks terribly polite and civilised - apparently you're all on a family holiday together to 'protect Billie'. But this type of break up is normally brought about because no one wants to be the bad one and it screams loud and clear that you haven't had sex for a very long time! Now, I'm making a bold presumption because I have been nowhere near your bedroom but I reckon, Dawn, that your need to boast about fat girls being the best in bed was actually a cry for help. It was shouting "Lenny! Don't you remember how it was? It can be like that again! Honest darling. Let's just light a few candles, drink some wine and we'll get there." I don't think those candles have been lit for a very long time, have they Dawn? Nothing to do with 'the blip'. More to do with the fact that you and Lenny are probably the "best of friends" and...well, best friends don't have sex do they? Am I right? I'll put my money on it.

You've probably got paparazzi hanging around, waiting to see if there is anybody else on the scenes despite your denials. I'm sure there's no one else and in fact my advice to the paps, to avoid wasting time, is to watch how your weight goes. If it drops off but makes you look sad, there's no one but Mr Angst around. If it drops off and you start to glow, get in there paps! There may well be love blossoming. I do hope so Dawn and I hope it comes soon. Because I think you are a fabulous woman and you deserve it.

There's no business quite like it

Friends have been prodding me for months to start a blog, using my years of working with tv personalities as justification for passing judgement on today's celebrities. Never one to be without an opinion, I guess it's probably time I had a go. Besides, whether anyone choses to follow this or not, at least I now have a place to vent my advice to those who will never give me a call. And I'm used to giving out pearls of wisdom that go unheeded anyway.

I guess the first issue has to be celebrity marriages. So many are falling apart right now, I'd love to have a few of the victims on my couch and ask them what the hell is going on. I fell in love with Sandra Bullock watching her at the Oscars, thinking now that's a real woman. Funny, clever, talented, beautiful etc etc. What a lucky husband...and then, oh my God, suddenly a tattooed thing appears on the scene and Sandra's perfect life falls apart at the drop of an Oscar.

Is the man blind? Why does that happen? When you have everything, why is that never enough? This is what my blog intends to be about. What is celebrity and why do we aspire to something that ultimately is so destructive? What really goes on behind the scenes? I've been there, watching people self-destruct, behaving no different from any drug addict or alcoholic - which of course they can be too. Fame is a dangerous game. Now I don't want this to become a polemic and I'd like it to be a fun read but this is my first attempt, so bear with me. Anyway, that's all for tonight. I'll gather my thoughts for my first patient tomorrow.