Married to the Minister

Come in girls and if you wouldn't mind lining up appropriately. Sam Cam, you go in the middle, Sarah can you stand to her left and Miriam Clegg, yes Hola! to you too darling, you stand to Sam's right. I think it's appropriate we mirror the line up for tonight's first ever televised leaders' debate. I'm excited. Are you? Of course you're nervous. Totally understandable.

If you don't mind, I'd like to leave policy to the men and discuss your personal contribution to the respective political campaigns, mainly your appearance. Who would like to be discussed first? Ok Miriam, yes, I know you've got a job to go to, so let's start with you then. Well, I have to say I was incredibly impressed by the fact that initially you appeared to take a back seat role. I thought that was rather clever reverse psychology making the other two appear like pliant little lapdogs. The paparazzi shots of you going to work looking sleek, in control and truly independent were a PR's dream. But then you went and blew it by appearing in an organised photocall which took away the mystery. Big mistake. Let's face it, Nick doesn't stand a hope in hell of becoming Prime Minister so why not ensure that your free time is spent with the children. Go out with them and make sure that the paps happen to be around to catch those spontaneous family moments. You could have looked so different Miriam. You could have taken on the mantle of devil may care Spanish woman who we all aspire to. Who put family first, then career and then her husband's career. It would have been groundbreaking. Now you just look like someone not quite sure of her role, putting Sam and Sarah back ahead of the game. Shame. You have the advantage of Spanish blood meaning you have effortless European style. If you'd have only phoned me I would have told you to ignore the carping press's accusations. You were being supportive but in a way that refused to be categorised which was what made you stand out as an individual without having to stand out. No more organised photocalls please. Stick with the paps.

Sorry Sam and Sarah, that's not meant to put down what you're doing. To be frank you don't have the same options available to you as Miriam. There is no doubt you have to be seen trailing your husbands, looking supportive and loving. And you are doing it so well - whilst pregnant too Sam. A real master stroke. I get the feeling you could never look disheveled if you tried. You'd probably look good shopping in Waitrose in your pyjamas. No, please don't even think about it! Sam, you look magnificent - full of optimism for the future which frankly is admirable because if Dave becomes Prime Minister your life is going to be turned on its pretty, perfect shaped head. You might want to take some words of advice from Sarah here. She knows don't you?

Yes, and look what it's done to you. I wish you'd stand up a little straighter, darling, and push those shoulders back. Too many layers. You look all bunched and uncomfortable. Now I know that's probably how you feel but I think you've got to throw Gordon's weight off your shoulders as well as a few of those Michelle Obama style cardigans and wear sleek, fitted dresses. You should be more Jackie O. Cut that hair too. Another thing that weighs you down. Just a few inches off would give you a fresh new look making people believe that you see a fresh new future. Whether that future is in or out of No10 only May 6 will tell.

So, for now girls, let's take a poll. Yes, I think Sam has won today's first debate with a clear vision of her role and a faultless choice in apparel. Thank you for coming and giving us your time. Good luck and I hope you've found this advice helpful.